Dear Universe, I get it.

You remember that part in Eat Pray Love  when Liz is in the Ashram and decides to take the vow of silence, only to moments later be asked to be the ashram hostess for new devotees?

You wanted to be The Quiet Girl…? Well guess what… But this is what always happens at the Ashram. You make some big grandiose decision about what you need to do, or who you need to be, and then circumstances arise that immediately reveal to you how little you understood about yourself.

This was me. As soon as I gave up social media, I was pulled back on for a variety of different reasons. Each time proclaiming to myself, and sometimes out loud, that my return was an exception and I was not, in fact, back.  Eye roll…how little I know about myself.

The truth of the matter is I am social and as much as I try to retreat to my quiet mountain top or push the world away, the more it comes right up to my front door ball in hand asking me if I want to come play?

Something I do know about myself is that I am absolutely the most stubborn person in the universe. Get in your mind a picture of a sleepy toddler who absolutely-REFUSES-to-go-to-sleep.  They cry out for hours in protest even when you and the entire world has proclaimed, “you’re sleepy so just go to sleep!” But now, I don’t want to…even though I do.  And finally after hours I have exhausted myself and have fallen asleep if not from fatigue then from sheer lack of energy to continue fighting.  I am not sure why I do it, why I have to physically exhaust myself rather than surrender to things…but I do.

This is no different. What point am I proving exactly? And who am I proving it to? The crazy thing is, I do these things but in the end it I’ve made people around me miserable and confused because I do what I could have done hours (sometimes days, sometimes months) ago.

So what am I talking about?

*sigh*

The fact that I am social and I love it. I absolutely adore having dinner with friends, drinks with colleagues, working lunches, talking across my office to my co-workers, stopping in the hallway to chat with my Dean, you name it I do it. I am a people person.  THEN add to that my constant desire to create and connect.  I write everyday, I like to dance, sing, play, draw, color, and I dabble in fashion when the mood strikes. I take photos and I love seeing other people do the same. So some forms of social media are not just about being nosy, they are about being connected to the people who mean something to me. They are about sharing my own life and my own art.  I felt incredibly stifled not being on social media, instagram in specific.  I realized how much time I spent looking at art, at photography. It wasn’t just about my friends, it was about searching hashtags and seeing what the rest of the world was up to as well.

The weekend after I went on hiatus I found out I was going to get to go meet Oprah.  If that’s not something you want to shout from the rooftops then I don’t know what is.  And the fact that I felt I had to keep it to myself, or only my closest friends….why? Why not tell everyone about the power in setting an intention? Why not share it with the entire world?! It is silly.

How much of my life is ruled by proving points?

How much am I ignoring about my own nature?

jessj1Lastly, in my desire to “stay away” from all things social I missed the promotion of a feature I had on GG’s blog All The Many Layers.  I loved this feature because she asked questions that one is not typically asked. It was great to be able to express myself in such a deep and introspective way.  I really want to thank her for the opportunity and encourage all of my readers to check it out and more than just my feature, check out her blog in general because it is AMAZING and she is just such a positive spirit, her light is dancing all over that space.

It just all goes to show me something really important, that if I shut up I can hear the universe and its telling me everything I need to know.  I do not have to be anyone other than myself, and in fact, I wish to do so unapologetically, audaciously, and infinitively.

Sometimes it feels as though in a world of whispers you shouldn’t sing…but maybe everyone is just waiting for someone, anyone to start the song.

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