What are second thoughts?

I was going to buy a new car. I still may.
And by new I mean new-to-me. Let me recall, in brief, my car lineage…
I high school there was the red Jeep grand Cherokee, then the Toyota Corolla. Then the red jeep again…then the Toyota until it was totaled by someone who hit me at a stop sign. Then there was my car from graduation, the red BMW convertible. Then the VW Passat that I never could drive because it was a stick and I lived in the mountains. Finally the little silver Dodge Neon, Alèssandra, Alé for short named after what else but a Victoria’s Secret angel. And it wasn’t until many years later that I arrived at Cammy, my 1996 Cadillac that I still drive today. Cammy came at a time where I was on my own two feet, figuratively and literally, and I was just beginning to come to a place of reaching out again. After being desperately dependent on others for many years, I had swung the pendulum the other way and during my Masters, I needed to prove it to myself and others that I could survive on my own.

So in 2010, I got Cammy from my dad. I’ve had her for three years now and just today I broke the 5,000th mile I’ve put on her. She and I we are easy. She gets me around, has never broken down on me and…I can’t really explain my love for my car. But I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the idea of not having her anymore. I talked to my mom and she mentioned how attached people become to cars. I agreed…though I never thought of myself as attached to a thing. Perhaps, I considered, its not so much the car. It’s just the meaning behind her?

imageIt’s is a lot to consider the responsibilities of having a new car complete with car payment and everything that comes with it. It has always given me a bit of anxiety to feel indebted to people. To feel as if I owe someone…it bothers me until I pay them back. I and literally physically uncomfortable with the idea. It took me until age 28 to acquire my own credit card and even still I pay it off in full every month. The thought of not doing so brings on that feeling of panic. What am I supposed to do if I OWE the bank 34,000 you know, after interest and the like? It is a crippling and debilitating feeling that I can’t get to the root of. Are 2nd thoughts just another opportunity to follow your first mind?That’s the thought I keep having. That I should just wait. Wait and save my money rather than jumping into a commitment.

And as I snapped this photo of Cammy’s 99005th mile, I noticed that my trip read 421, my birthday. A sign?

In other news, I prayed for a partner. I outlined all the things in a sincere talk to God. I said the words out loud. I felt it necessary to speak them. I wanted the prayer to travel from my heart and pass across my lips. I wanted to know him before I knew him. And now we wait.

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