It has been a rough couple of days. Without rehashing the particulars, in less than a week I lost my money, identity, and car to thieves. And as angry as I know I probably should be at them, I am not. I am angry at a lot of things and people but not the thieves–I suppose in my heart I know only the desperate steal. And I know the things they took are not going to fill the void. Besides, I am a firm believer in Tao, the way, which is kind of like karma only less vindictive in philosophy.
So rather than cry, I read the Book of Job. “Naked I came out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return: Lord has given, and Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” And I felt this. I remember in the moments after my purse being stolen saying to Tara, “lets think of things to be thankful for.” Tonight it took significantly longer to arrive at this place, but I did. After the filing of the reports, I prayed. And I did not pray for the return of the things, but simply to find my center and to ask God to continue watching over me, outwardly thankful for my physical safety. The things you lost are things, blessed are you for all that was left behind.
I remembered the story of the nun; the one who as she was being raped looked in the eyes of her attacker and said, “I will not turn on you.” She stood strong in her conviction that not even during the midst of this horribly perversive and heinous crime, she would not reach for evil, but would fix her eyes to God. It is one of the most powerful stories I have ever heard and it stays with me as a reminder that our faith is not just for the times of joy but also for the times of despair. God is good ALL THE TIME, are those just words we say mindlessly unaware of the weight and intention behind them? The intention that above all things trust in God reigns supreme. Greater than storms, set backs, sadness, and stolen goods, there is God.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jumpy. Pissed for the woulda coulda shouldas replaying in my mind. Overwhelmed by the uncooperative and confusing justice system. Paranoid that these thieves now know where I live and work and what I look like. That they have my address and social security card, credit and debit cards, car, glasses, favorite perfume lipgloss and earrings, beach bag and towel, tassels from my undergraduate and Masters graduations…but they are not welcomed to my peace. I vehemently refuse to surrender my peace of mind or spirit willingly without a fight.
Thank you to those who have reached out to me. I so appreciate your words, and prayers. If I do find myself in need I will reach out, I promise. But it is important to me that you know I feel surrounded and completely *held* by your warm and positive energy. I love you all, sincerely.