Of course marriage is for you!

Currently dominating my newsfeed is this article about how Marriage is not for you, it is for the person you love, the family you create and blah blah blah. Cheesy. Is this a new notion? But the God’s honest truth is I very much disagree. Of course marriage is for you, how could it not be?

I believe that the falling in love facade is really us falling for the person we are in that moment. We, essentially, fall in love with the person or people who reflect the Self we like to see. And we divorce when we cannot stand to look at (or be) that person any more.

I had an ex who asked if I thought we would ever wind up together. I said no. But not because I didn’t love him, and not because he didn’t love me–he continues to this day–but because when we were first together we were open in a way I don’t know how to be anymore. Especially not with him. He said, I never lie to you and always feel like myself. I said, we didn’t know any better then. I think he misses some parts of how he used to be. But I don’t. So we can never work.

imageHere is how I see marriage: a covenant between who we are and God’s potential for us. I think when we look at our partners and we “just know” it is a deep soul-level recognition of all the love we could ever give, the joy we could ever create, the talent we could ever showcase, the gifts we could ever bring to this world. And we fall. We fall hard and we dare to dream, impossibly, we want to tell the world how good it feels and so we do. We spend thousands on weddings to celebrate our union, we invite our loved ones to bear witness to vows which hold us accountable to this other being, our beloved.

It’s ridiculous for me to think any of that is about the other person. It is about the me that I can only see through us. Because you bring me into existence. As much as I need to be seen, I need you to see me. Further, I choose you to see me. Most of all, though, love marriage unions…it’s about God. Or whatever you call the being greater than ourselves or even the sum of our parts. It is about an introduction to our capacity for this life. It is about connecting and loving, which is our highest calling. And if you only come to know the power of your self, and the power of union through marriage…I’d like to think that’s quite alright with God.

At least that’s how I see it.


7 thoughts on “Of course marriage is for you!

  1. Looooove it! That’s a beautiful–and, I believe, accurate–description of marriage. After all, like attracts like. We bring people into our lives who reflect who we are at that moment. And hopefully through marriage, you continue to grow together.

    1. I think it is a beautifully (unrealistic) romantic idea to think marriage is solely selfless and about this other person…that puts too much responsibility on them. And makes us seem tethered to them because of this love…

  2. I saw this post on my facebook as well and avoided the “share” because I disagreed as well. I think your words sum it up better than I could have. the notion of marriage for someone else’s happiness instead of your own didn’t sit right with me.

  3. Beautiful words. But I see the truth in what you’ve written here and in what that article said. I wholeheartedly agree that marriage is “a covenant between who we are and God’s potential for us”. But we are fickle and fallible beings who can lose sight of that. To me, the key message in the article was this:

    Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?” while Love asks, “What can I give?”

    A lifetime is a long time to spend with someone, and adversity (or even boredom) can create discontent that you blame on your partner. Those are the times when you need to focus on your spouse because happiness is contagious. The more love you give, the more there is to go around.

    1. I understand the articles point. But I believe the motivation behind selflessness still speaks to something other than this other person. It’s too easy to say its about giving to this other person, loving this other person, being good for them. It’s much more difficult to make that same promise to pure, perfect, potential. Happiness is as contagious as you allow it to be. So is boredom. That, again, is Self.


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