I woke up at 3 am as if on purpose. It happened so intentionally that I thought, perhaps, I knew how badly I needed the silence. The stillness. The darkness of night. So I took the time to lay and think, reflect on the day, the month, the year. What did I proclaim this year to be about? Surrender. Have I done that? In every way I know how…and now another opportunity.
I have been sharing my writing more. Utilizing social media, talking to people about my writing, discussing it openly and proclaiming artistry full out. But…I realize there is more. A few months ago I prayed for a partner and was plainly told, I need to focus on me because I am sitting on too much potential. And, that my partner was working on his dream so I needed to be doing the same. It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I’d worked so hard to even see myself as an artist, a writer, a creative type. I took it a step further and even started telling other people! Now you want me to do what? Take out a billboard ad? Yes. Only not so literally. My art, my talent is my gift to the world. It is the way (the only way I truly know how) to connect and to illustrate the power of connection. So why am I limiting myself to only those I know and those who stop in passing and “just so happen” to mention writing? It is time for me to give in to the enormity of my Self.
When I wrote that I heard, “give in to the criticism and judgment”. Because that what comes. And truthfully, I have become increasingly more okay with people disagreeing with me. I realize it’s not about me. I have even become okay with losing people. I can recognize that, too, as an act less personal in nature; they are not always leaving me, they are simply leaving. Period. What I have, instead, become nervous about is the instability of my inner peace. I feel everything ten time stronger than the Average Being, and if I am not working constantly to keep my cool, I can become a big emotional tsunami. Not only that, the recovery for such emo outpours is substantial. So if I open myself up…wait, I just made pain and discomfort bigger than myself. Reframe.
You can’t say you want to change the world and in the same breath fear change. And you can’t say you want to create but be afraid of innovation. Only, we do this….I do this all the time. But what is more true? Anaïs Nin…damn your brilliance.
My mind just floated to the idea of closure. In particular the lines of the song “Say Something” by A Great New world that say: say something I’m giving up on you/and I’ll be the one of you want me to/anywhere, I would follow you/Say something I’m giving up on you. God those lines are a cold dagger to the most sensitive part of me. But it’s the same thing…I need you to speak before I move, before I open myself up to the probable pain and possible abandonment. I need to just be sure, but I can never be sure.
So, what to do at 4am…now 5? Do I continue holding my breath, waiting for clarity, for certainty, to feel I have my footing and a clear view of what is yet to come? Or do I leap and never look back, trusting that my wings will carry me anywhere that I need to go. Knowing that I might incur loss along the way, pain, discomfort, and judgment too. How much do you believe in the power of following your heart? How much do you believe that all things are possible? How much do you believe you are who you say you are? How certain are you that you have as much potential as you think you have? Are you strong enough to endure? Are you audacious enough to try?
Without hesitation, yes.