Here is how I know…
I went to church yesterday, and the message was from the book of Matthew. Which is hands down my favorite book in the Bible. It is the book that first spoke to me and assured me there was a God and that God heard me. Next, they sang a song I knew. Hezekiah Walker’s “Grateful”. And I stood up (something I never do) and sang along…out loud. Something else I never do, or rather never can do because singing in public makes me so nervous. But not on this day. On this day I sang in perfect harmony with the choir from my heart.
Then the Pastor said, “all that we have is NOT all that we have to look forward to.” He encouraged us to dream so big that we need God as a co-creator, and to step out on faith. Even, and especially, when it seems like we have come to the end of the road. It was all the things I needed to hear and quite frankly hearing them stirred my mind into a frenzy and I have been in the cloudy fog since then; waiting patiently for the dust to settle, half hoping it never will.
Today, I got a call from OWN. Wanting to talk about the possibility of me being able to talk with Dr. Brene Brown about my art journal and the online course I am taking part in. I barely had time enough to consider the question, “why me.” Before my heart offered the full and complete explanation, “It was never not going to be you.”
This is a dream that scares me. This is a dream that makes me want to reach for something…anything to settle me down into the shame spiral. Who do you think you are? Was your art work good enough to make it on the show? What does your avatar look like? Will you sound articulate enough? Why you? Why you? Why you? Do you deserve this?
Why not me?
I told them yes. I sent my artwork to the producer, and we scheduled a phone date. I did it because it scares me. I did it because I have no idea what will come of it, if anything. I did it because I was never not going to do it.
Oh…and I found my tears. At least the joyous set. The set that fills the saucer because the cup has overflown. The set that comes at the helm of a satisfied soul. The set that feels free of the old skin and cannot wait to travel wildly down the soft rolling hills of the new. I tried movies, songs, everything I could think of to connect with my emotion…but I didn’t try God. Nevertheless here we are. As we were always going to be.