The story of the wolf:
“…They are often creative and inspired individuals. They are good at perceiving emotions and are sensitive to the feelings of others, but they are not very prone to revealing much of themselves until they trust someone completely [which rarely happens, if ever–at least in the curious case of Jessica J.].”
I told the Hapa I needed to write a letter that I didn’t want to write. So she gave me a template. I will write it below…I wish that in those moments I had the courage to be the friend who needs a friend. But it turns out, I was never really good at that.
I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
I don’t like it that I feel so trapped in yet so disconnected from you. On the one hand, you’ve physically barricaded me from emotional harm when I did not have the strength to do it in any other way. On the other, you…I…we have created habits, indulged habits that are detrimental to my…you…our well-being.
I feel frustrated because I want to change, I know how to change, but the love is lacking. I’ve become accustomed to moving out of love and I just can’t seem to find a way to love you.
I am angry that I can’t. I’m angry that I’ve given you so much power.
I am furious that in trying to destroy you, I’ve destroyed myself. A self I have to come back to, every moment of everyday.
I wanted to be bigger than my body, but the belief that hurt would destroy me made my body bigger. In you I hid and I buried myself under layers of safety.
I want to be stronger than the beliefs that got me here.
I feel disappointed that I didn’t try harder.
I am sad whenever I mess up. Give in. Go back.
I feel hurt . . .
I feel devastated . .
I wanted to know I was worth it.
I want to believe it more than anyone in the world.
I feel worried that it’s too late in some respects. Chronic illnesses, aches, pains, discomforts, and that’s just the physical…
I am afraid that if I show up now the light will be too bright and my eyes won’t adjust.
I feel scared because what if I come and I’m left, again.
I do not want to ever feel that way and yet, I know I can’t prevent it. I can’t control it. But I can survive it.
I need to know, truly know, that I am bigger than pain. Than abandonment. Than rejection.
I want to never question myself again.
I feel embarrassed to admit how unhappy I am with this one respect of my life, because I have so many other things to be grateful for.
I am sorry I do not prioritize you, cherish you, or treat you well. You have never given up on me even though it seems I gave up on you. I made you the garbage can for all my emotional waste. I took shelter in the unattractive mounds of flesh hoping to disappear. Wishing quietly on shooting stars, ringing bells and fountains with pennies that no one would see me, love me, and ultimately leave me. I am also very sorry I allowed, just that, to happen this summer when I knew better. As much as I hid from all those things, I crave them. I dream of love and needing and trusting and I write them on the walls…just out of reach. I’ve made you my own personal torture chamber for not being good enough.
I feel ashamed that I…don’t take better care of you. I am ashamed that everyone gets to see my pain when not everyone else’s struggle is so visible.
I didn’t want to ever accept you. I just wanted you to change out of sheer will, force, might. But because you are part of me, I know you’ll respond best to light.
I want to be your partner, and love you for as long as we both shall live.
I long for true congruence.
I love so many people. I wish, sometimes, I could let them love me just as much as they allow me to love them.
I want to trust. To forgive. To be able to let people go when it is time and hold on while it’s not.
I understand that sometimes I may get those times wrong.
I forgive my dad. My self. And anyone who has ever left me.
I appreciate opportunities to grow, and people who inspire me.
I thank you for Never quitting. When you could have, and probably should have, you didn’t. Please allow me the time to surprise you. Don’t give up on me.
I know that it is never to late, not to lose, but to love.
P.S. The response I would like to hear from you:
Thank you for acknowledging the good that I do and have done for you. I keep you. I hold you, I have given you everything you need despite yourself, and sometimes in spite of yourself. I’ve never held you back. You have climbed, run, jumped, swam, been broken, and healed. And I never quit on you. I never would. I am with you until we are no more.
I am sorry you ever felt hurt or smothered by me. I only meant to protect you. Though, I see now that when you do for others what they can do for themselves, you rob them of the opportunity to discover their own strengths. You are amazing, I wish you saw that more clearly, I do. You are resilient, and you persevere beyond the widespread reach of my protection to connect, truly connect with people.
You deserve to be proud of your partner. But so do I. We owe it to each other, don’t we? You have let me down and I have let you down, but neither of us ever did so with malice or ill-will. You spoke of love, but this IS love. It’s reckless, overwhelming love…I love you and I never wanted you to hurt. I realize now, that you needed that. You needed to know it wouldn’t destroy you. It hurt, but it did not kill you.
I want you to know how much I’ve sacrificed for you. I need you to come home. Stop being angry with me and let’s remember we are family.
I love you. I show up, I need for you to do the same. Just show up for me. We owe each other that much. When you can love me like you love the stuff…it will get clear. Every star in the sky will be visible and heaven will smile down on us, because we will be one.
P.P.S. I am so happy you went back and climbed the rocks and did the shot. You would have regretted not trying.