Typically, after I write a post I publish it and then I read it. I do this for two reasons, one practical–I proofread, clarify, reword, etc.–and the other is because as the author I am not a captive audience. Sometimes I have gone back to read the words I’ve write and they’ve been immensely powerful, words truly are the physicians of a mind diseased and my blog is my therapy.
After last night’s post, however, I had no desire to go back and reread it. I did not care what it said and I quietly hoped that no one would read it. Published in the witching hours, I prayed it would breeze by unnoticed. It did. I received no comments, no emails, no messages, no texts, no likes…nothing. Then I read it. All the gory details of my intimate self, I cringed in some places. I held my breath and fought back that salty taste of nausea that crept up as my eyes gleaned over each sentence. Why did I write this? And why did I publish it?
One day, I thought you’re going to look back on today and be grateful as it is a beginning. So I spent the vast majority of today in my head. Wondering about this conundrum of feeling disconnected and how to fix it. I laid in bed and turned on John Mayer radio, my favorite Coldplay song filled the room…lights will guide you home. One of my favorite lines, I realized my Body asked me to come home. Come home..,what does that mean? I think I know. No, I know I know.
I have to stop trying to move beyond my body without honoring its glory. I have to be where I am. There are some things, I realize, are always going to be true for me. I will always be the funny one. I will always love hard and absolutely. I will always create. I will always dance, sing, and perform. And I will always love to be part of things bigger than myself. I have always been a big picture thinker, not much one for details…but I am learning it is not good to ignore them altogether. Life is in the details.
I love going to the store and talking to strangers. I love waving to children and having them wave back. I love knowing my neighbors. I love growing with people around me. I love someone loaning you an umbrella. I love paying for someone’s gas anonymously. I love reciprocity. Cycles, spirals, infinity symbols; smaller things pouring into other things to make something bigger, something great. The big picture IS the details. And my connection to source IS my connection to myself. God dwells within you as you. How have I been honoring myself?
Every day is an opportunity. I cannot worry about all the yesterdays, nor hang my hat on all the tomorrows, instead I will take right now to honor her. Me. Give her what she needs, teach her and learn from her. I am ready to commit to her. To me.