Physical touch is my love language. I’m a person who needs it and in my family, it was always readily available. My sisters and I are all affectionate and my mom is used to us laying, crawling, being all over her. Even still though we are not little any more, we like to be near to her like cubs. We are a family who touches.
The past two days I’ve craved it like salty and sweet. I realize it’d been too long and I tried to recount the last time I’d felt comforted by touch, the last time touch was intentional and not haphazard…my mind instantly jumped to Zachary. And Jax. How I always simultaneously reach and defend against touch. I always appreciated when Zachary said he didn’t care. Maybe I’m wrong but I think he knew I didn’t mean it. I can’t stand to be touched by a person who might leave. It makes me happy even now to know I never gave in to an embrace with Jax.
And though I speak of it so intimately, when I say touch I literally mean a squeeze of hand as affirmation. A rub of back for comfort. A welcoming hug or woe filled depart. Just touches to accompany emotion. The small innocent yet meaningful ways we are sure of one another.
Yesterday as I made my rounds with my students, a few in particular made me feel like the sock monkey. I wanted to reach out to them. I did not.
I stopped myself and I told myself it would probably freak them out. I am not sure if it’s true. It may be something I told myself to keep from connecting.
I told myself that in another life I would be a masseur because in this one, I couldn’t stand to be so touchy with people. Some people feel so strongly, if I touched them I might explode. Some people…they need it so much. I fear if I hugged them I would never stop. Others you want to run the back of your hand across their cheek and wipe away the tears. And me…as I was unknowingly willing somebody, anybody to connect with me; It was a waitress, apologetic for the lack of crab dip she touched my shoulder and I felt okay. Not after a while but immediately. I thought about explaining what has just transpired to Mari who was sitting with me, but I chose not to at the time.
And then, at 10:10 I decided to pull cards…noticed it was 10:10. First question was what’s wrong…next question was what am I missing. Pulled cards 11&12. Card 12 was “what’s wrong” it says, “from a different perspective that might not be apparent right now the entire dynamic of life is unfolding to perfection it’s just that it’s not what you hoped for or expected.” From that I take…sometimes when you are craving touch so bad you can taste it…you get it and though it may come from a stranger in passing, oblivious to the way they just changed you, you will consider the entire experience a blessing.