Over the past few days I’ve been up and down (and up and down again) emotionally. Being faced with the reality of what “is” my relationship with P2AD made me have to really sit down and ask myself what I wanted. What do I want?
It immediately scared me because I knew right away what the answer was. Him. It wasn’t anything new. I’ve known it, I knew it from the beginning. So did both my other serious boyfriends, unfortunately. Once I said it to myself and out loud I had to then say, what are you willing to do (or not do), give (or give up) in order to get what you want?
I talked it over with friends. I heard all of their various opinions, advice, and could sense when they were tired of obsessing I with me. The truth was, I didn’t want their advice. But telling the story allowed me to be in the moments again. In the rain again. The advice was a small price to pay for chance to feel the wool of his coat and the tightness of his hands around mine. At one point I had to shut it out. I laid down and I prayed to God and I asked for two things, clarity and calm. I wanted still water. When I woke up, it was clear to me that I would have to give up my safety. My walls. My armor. My silence. I would have to be vulnerable.
Safety. That would be writing. Silence. That would be running back to San Diego and burying my head in my life there, ignoring everything that happened over break. It somehow felt as though I couldn’t squeeze back into that life. The life of living small and timid, afraid and…safe. The thought of putting my heart on the line it weighed heavy. And I stood there wondering if I was really ready for this? As I did, an unsolicited call from the audience asked, “but what if it doesn’t work out?”
Can you be at peace, I asked, if it does not come to pass? Can you accept that it was not God’s will for you, let him go and move on? The possibility was certainly not preferable, but it did not hurt to consider. I needed to remind myself that it is not always as simple as wanting working and winning. Sometimes you lose. Or rather, sometimes you feel loss. But God doesn’t let us lose. I love him, and I want him, but I can survive without him.
And in knowing I could survive even the roughest of heartbreaks, I decided to put it all on the line. I sent him a flight to San Diego. I asked him…with expressed sentiment of wanting him there with me. I am not sure if he has received it yet. Or what his response will be. But even if it breaks me temporarily, I will keep dreaming and believing…in trusting your gut, in living full out, in holding hands, in feeling butterflies, and in whiskey stained kisses with the man who loved you to womanhood.