The Reason

One half of me, if that, just wanted to say “I’m currently playing the waiting game.” But the truth of the matter is, I’m not. I’m living my life. I had to ask myself how I got conditioned to display anxiety? Why is it cooler to be stressed than at peace?

So, I did the boldest thing I’ve maybe ever done a few days ago. And as I told GG yesterday, obvious aside, it was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. Why? Because I allowed myself to make a decision fully reliant on my soul for guidance, and I am not slave to the outcome. When I asked myself, “can you be at peace knowing that if what you want does not come to pass, that it was not God’s will for you…”  I couldn’t move until the answer to that question was a firm yes.

I can feel my ego going a little stir crazy. She feels dismissed. Ignored. She’s starting to want to demand answers and action. She’s impatient and I’ve given her way too much reign in my life. The larger part of me understands those feelings. But assures me that this wait is not about me, and his response was not the reason.

I guess…its more about finally being the person you want to be. A person who listens to herself. Who is steady and sure, faithful and obedient; a person who feels congruent. The pain…it comes when I give into the impatience, the feelings of what’s wrong with me that he won’t….fill in the blank. I know enough now to understand that its not nor has it ever been about that.

I feel as though I grew up over night. I also realized how many of the answers to the questions I have in waking life are found in my dreams. Me and the Divine, the Divine and I…we have a thing going on. Where I trust. I feel whole. I feel scared and exposed and yet, something more. I feel purposeful.

I am starting to feel pulled to be as honest, as vulnerable in other facets of my life. I am not quite as clear on my actions or my intentions though. It is just starting to take shape. What I do know, is that…this year is one that changes things. Changes them in a beautiful way, a way that is soulful and heartfelt and…right. I want to feel as good as I did standing in love in all things. Maybe Kelly Canter was right…life is all about falling in love with as many things as possible. Its the only thing that matters.

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