Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have, and shouldn’t have…I’m home sick today. I hate being anything less than 100% in any way because I’m really not the sit at home all day type. I get restless. I start itching for things. Right now I’m itching for something I don’t need.
In my consideration of what it might be in the future I can’t help but to think of us and how easy it was. Wasn’t it easy? He doesn’t read this. I don’t even know if he knows I write it. Spoke…the last time we spoke, he spoke. I only said thank you. And I miss you too. Half empty words. He was always more honest than I was. I always hated that. And I do miss you, maybe I always but especially today. I guess on a day when I’m feeling pain and discomfort and just want to feel like myself again maybe I’m wishing for the person who I could be myself with.
And it’s not anything more than that. The laughter. The friendship. The way I’ll always hate Heinekens, and orange soda but smile when someone orders a McGriddle. Or the way you were always happy to see me even if I was in basketball shorts and the last time, I was.
You said, everyday. I questioned you, everyday? You affirmed, everyday. That’s a long time. If I strung all the days of our lives and threaded them side by side the way we do popcorn at Christmas, how far would your thinking of me stretch?
Were we stupid? Or did we know, then, the thing we’ll spend a lifetime trying to learn in a different way; A grown up way in our grown up lives with our grown up partners. Maybe we knew everything then. And what do we know now?
I’ve never laid underneath the stars and left a conversation in the heavens. Not since you. And maybe never again at least not in the same way. I was so uncomfortable. And you knew it. You didn’t care. You never did. You’d call for honesty hours. Truth. You were addicted to it and I could never really give it to you. I was so knotted and lost trying to find myself.
Now the truth is readily available but you aren’t. And today is the first day in a long string of days where I’ve missed you.