Seasons time purpose and silence

Admittedly, I am a brat. I do not like when things don’t go my way and do not work on my timeline. It literally drives me crazy. My life work is to remember I am not in control, and while I know it I still have to fight this battle daily. It is why my favorite scripture is Ecclesiastes 3:1– to everything there is a season and time to every purpose under heaven. Season, time, purpose.

I am still dealing with the loss of P2AD from my life. I went through a period of looking for anything to get me numb enough not to feel the hurt or the anger, but now I’ve grown tired and I’m still hurting and I still miss him. I finally just had to admit it. Say it out loud and say it to him, though it fell on deaf ears. I wonder if whatever is keeping him from being present stops him from him thinking of me? I do not think I am easily forgotten. Especially not after half a lifetime. I wish I could understand what makes someone just let go. More than that, I wish I could forget how he smelled. Smiled. Held me. Kissed me. Said he loved me. I can’t though. Season, time and purpose. And maybe ours had run its course, I don’t see it rebounding I couldn’t go through it again. Or maybe I could, but I won’t.

There have been other losses too. None as significant as the hole he left but all to the same vast matter of silence. Silence has pulled so many things and people this year (yes just in these six weeks) and this morning I thought, maybe none of this is working out because God has other plans for me?

I read a story this week about the worlds quietest room. It measures at -9 decibels and it drives people insane, the longest anyone has ever been able to stay in there was one hour because it’s so quiet you can literally hear your blood course through your veins. I read that article and thought, “I know that room and I’ve been in it for six weeks.” And while I’ve been searching for a reason to understand where the noise went I have been ignoring the sound of my own process, my own body at work. Season time and purpose. What is the purpose for this time in my life being so incredibly silent? What is it that I am meant to be hearing?

One thing I can say is that, throughout all this I feel so much different than I have in the past. I am not taking it too personally, I am not berating myself, I am not owning the actions of others in behalf of my flaws. Nor am I apologetic in my feelings. I do not regret or wish I’d never said or done anything I said or did. I have been acting from a place of serious intention and I am peace with myself in that respect. It is why I am certain that if it’s not working out, it’s because it was never meant to.

It makes me two things. The first is excited because while all these men, and opportunities I’ve missed were amazing, how much more amazing is the man and the plan God has for me?! The second is something I can’t name. But it is the feeling you feel when you realize you’re going to have to wait, even though you already knew that. When I bought myself my time ring I did so to remember that I serve the author of time and to remember to slow down and be patient. I knew I was going to have to wait. I’ve been trying to learn how to wait for four years now. And my pouting won’t help. Not one bit. Trust me I’ve tried. Season time and purpose.

Side thought…maybe the things I want and the things I’ve been coveting are dissonant. I realize the loss created a need for feeling all the things I was left questioning. Wanted, namely. And so a desire to be wanted entirely (as in partnership) and the coveted to feel wanted physically (as in all the tangible ways) is just like water for chocolate. Actually, it’s exactly like that.

Damn.

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4 thoughts on “Seasons time purpose and silence

  1. I went through something similar near the end of the year and its that verse you’ve quoted as well as Ephisians 3:20 just helped me through. Its not only that ii have to be patient and wait on God but when He finally gives me someone, hes going to be above and beyond anything ive ever imagined! Thank you for writing this.

    Ooo and that world’s quietest room gave me chills when ii first read about it.

    Love your blog xxx

    1. Holding on for that peace is so hard, but its so necessary. It’s soooooo necessary. Know you’re not the only one feeling how you feel right now! Thank you for reading.

  2. Some things and people never leave you. Some of us just aren’t built that way. I still think of my ex (the first guy I fell in love with, before my husband) from time to time. I still remember how hurt I was that it didn’t work out, and I still care for him. Heck, I was in love with him once so I don’t know that I’ll ever just NOT care at all. But despite that, I’m completely in love with my husband and I adore him more every day. I know my life is richer for his presence, and I want to be with him for as much time as God gives us both to be on earth.

    But I’m that way about all my relationships. I still miss my kindergarten BFF even though she and I grew apart years ago (middle school to be exact). My line sister doesn’t speak to me- in fact, she completely ignored my wedding despite invitations that I know she got. But we were best friends once, and that doesn’t stop me from wishing her happy birthday or sending a holiday card because I know deep down, her avoidance of me is isn’t about me, and I want her to know that despite everything, I’m always rooting for her. That’s just how I am, and there’s nothing wrong with it. So, your relationship with P2AD may always leave a mark. But it won’t stop you from loving the right person and it will make you appreciate him that much more.

    1. Thank you for this. You do those things because you’re you. And other people shouldn’t stop you from being YOU right? I truly believe that. And you’re right it won’t stop me. Because I love. That’s what I do.

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