Heartlines

My head has been swimming for days now. P2AD finally contacted me and it sent my weekend into a tailspin at least emotionally. Everything flooded back in and I thanked God I was set to begin therapy this weekend. He…or we decided that perhaps what he(we) need is space and time to see if we are meant to be. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt even if I agreed to and with it. It hurt like hell.

I talked about it with Gail, my new therapist. I told her that I’d rather fight with him than be separated or feel distanced. She told me for my (enneagram) personality type that was typical; I am all about connection. He, however, is all about achievement success and image. I didn’t need a test. I know him. And he knows himself, he’s never denied any of those things. And still we find ourselves impossibly tangled.

Gail and I discussed how I might benefit from this time. I thought about my career and what I want to do moving forward and how emergent that’s been lately. What if, we (I), took this time for me? What if I consider it a blessing? A gift?

The truth of the matter is, if I’ve never said it before, is that I love him. I’m in love with him. He pisses me off, my feelings have been hurt by his actions before, and he could say the same for me. As we grow up and into ourselves our relationship has become more honest. But there is still so much residual. So many conversations we need to have and expectations we need to make clear. And maybe it happens later in life or maybe it happens never. I can’t control or even predict what has yet to come. What I do have is right now, this moment. And in this moment I love a man who needs time.

So maybe, we (I) decided this is the story. This is the story I write. Not the one of him and I. But the one of how I came to trust in something greater so completely. This, this weekend and my racing mind it is about following the heartlines. Trust was something I struggled with for a long time. I worried constantly about being left, being abandoned, and being alone. I dined and treated that fear to the greatest parts of myself and recently I’ve become tired of hosting such a toxic guest. I would rather trust. Trust that love exists within me, around me, and for me. I can let things and people go because when I invite love into my life it always accepts. And so I won’t ever be left with nothing. No…when I let go I, instead, gain everything.

And so with open hands and heart, the space between us begins to fill with purpose and intention and lots and lots of love.

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2 thoughts on “Heartlines

  1. I think you’re doing the right thing. In a way, by fighting to keep him, you are trying to exert control over the situation. It shows a lot of growth & self-awareness that you recognized that and just let it be. Either way, this separation will help you grow. Maybe there’s someone even better for you, but God won’t let him come into your life until you let go of this situation, learn from it, and stop holding on, trying to fix it.

    Or it could be be that you can only become the people you need to be for each other by completely disengaging for a time- he’s someone you’ve written about for years now. I only know you through the blog, but it seems to me that you two have fallen into a pattern where you dance toward and away from each other, without ever actually letting go…you’re holding on by pinky fingers while one or both of you is trying to get away.

    I could be completely wrong, this is just my two cents. But I’m wishing you the best of everything 🙂

  2. I’ve asked myself a million times why it’s so hard to let go and just take the space and maybe you’re right, maybe it’s about control. But for me it feels like I’m already so far removed that space means it’s done. And I can not even begin to tell you what that feels like.

    I am desperately trying to take the breath and leap…

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