My head has been swimming for days now. P2AD finally contacted me and it sent my weekend into a tailspin at least emotionally. Everything flooded back in and I thanked God I was set to begin therapy this weekend. He…or we decided that perhaps what he(we) need is space and time to see if we are meant to be. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt even if I agreed to and with it. It hurt like hell.
I talked about it with Gail, my new therapist. I told her that I’d rather fight with him than be separated or feel distanced. She told me for my (enneagram) personality type that was typical; I am all about connection. He, however, is all about achievement success and image. I didn’t need a test. I know him. And he knows himself, he’s never denied any of those things. And still we find ourselves impossibly tangled.
Gail and I discussed how I might benefit from this time. I thought about my career and what I want to do moving forward and how emergent that’s been lately. What if, we (I), took this time for me? What if I consider it a blessing? A gift?
The truth of the matter is, if I’ve never said it before, is that I love him. I’m in love with him. He pisses me off, my feelings have been hurt by his actions before, and he could say the same for me. As we grow up and into ourselves our relationship has become more honest. But there is still so much residual. So many conversations we need to have and expectations we need to make clear. And maybe it happens later in life or maybe it happens never. I can’t control or even predict what has yet to come. What I do have is right now, this moment. And in this moment I love a man who needs time.
So maybe, we (I) decided this is the story. This is the story I write. Not the one of him and I. But the one of how I came to trust in something greater so completely. This, this weekend and my racing mind it is about following the heartlines. Trust was something I struggled with for a long time. I worried constantly about being left, being abandoned, and being alone. I dined and treated that fear to the greatest parts of myself and recently I’ve become tired of hosting such a toxic guest. I would rather trust. Trust that love exists within me, around me, and for me. I can let things and people go because when I invite love into my life it always accepts. And so I won’t ever be left with nothing. No…when I let go I, instead, gain everything.
And so with open hands and heart, the space between us begins to fill with purpose and intention and lots and lots of love.