I feel I’ve been a little desperate. Even as I write that I cringe at the heinous honest of the word and it’s implications, and incitements.
Throughout this time of ambiguity, wanting answers clarity truth and,to some degree, security, I’ve become desperate. When I told myself and the world I was ready for love I meant it on many different levels. I was ready for recognition for writing. I was ready for companionship in the form of a partner. I was ready for couch friends I could laugh and cry with. I was open.
And then none of it came. I got no more traffic or offers to guest post. I got no more emails or messages from new readers. I barely even get comments anymore. I wondered what I needed to do to make it more clear that, “Here I am, world! Ready and waiting!” I felt like I was waving my arms madly as I solicited “likes” on a Facebook page. I didn’t and don’t like the feeling so I stopped and said well maybe it’s not the time. So I shrunk back into my quiet.
When he didn’t respond I went through the full gamut of emotional responses. I was hurt and sad and angry and disappointed. I blamed myself I blamed him. I sent him messages I knew he would ready but never respond to. I wanted to provoke him into action. I needed him to engage with me. And this weekend he did. At a time when I was ill prepared or equipped to handle his response. Didn’t he realize it was valentine’s day when he said he needed space? And as he pushed it took all of me to stand and walk away from him willingly. I’d said I would before but words are easy. It felt like walking underwater. The further away I got the deeper my head sank into the ocean. I realize that you can’t let go a little bit. You have to completely open your hands. He needed to leave and in my own desperation I could feel the fight building but I kept it at bay. Thought the feelings haven’t subsided and I ask myself what is it that you need so badly?
To fill the void of intimacy and attention I was missing from the person I wanted it from the most, I solicited it from other places. I either wanted a cheap replacement or to numb and forget how I felt altogether. And each time the high of either wore off I was frantically searching for a re-up. “What attention do you need?” I asked myself. Is it just about love? No. Is it about attention? Somewhat. Is it about feeling valuable or worthy? Absolutely. Can you give it to yourself? I’m still trying.
I have a strong desire for connection. Real connection and am almost intolerant of superficiality in relationships. I like to be close. So the space between myself and my audience, Myself and my love and myself and my vices is significant. The latter too close the former not close enough. But what I do know absolutely is that you cannot chase you must attract. And in my desperation I have been chasing.
I needed to call myself out. Call attention to my actions and begin to make a different choice. I needed to start acting the way I feel and I need to remember who I am and what my purpose is. And that is most certainly not small nor desperate. You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.