Love and the woman I am

I knew I was different when I asked you to share the sky with me.

I had a thought the the other night, one I’ll reserve from saying outright because despite my own belief that this is my personal private journal, I know many people read it. Anyway I had a thought which fundamentally changed the way that I look at myself. In a great way.

I think it began last week at yoga. I was on my mat struggling though poses, and willing myself to just stay with it. I hate downward dog. For many reasons but mostly because it’s supposed to be a resting position and it instead feels like my body is going to implode from all the work I’m doing.

I was shaking and went to my knees and into child’s pose. But every time downward dog came up, I would try again. Even if I only held it for a few seconds. And I made an important decision: that a few seconds was enough. I also, at the end of class right before corpse pose, told myself I loved myself. And I meant it. I love and appreciate who I am and I know and respect who I am not. I felt a great peace in both speaking and receiving that message.

Then Saturday night I asked myself if this person I believed so ardently was me, was really me? I was telling myself a story about having to have a certain type of life and certain type if career and really income. And I looked at it in a totally new way. And I asked myself why not THIS? Swirling the decision around in my mind like red wine in a glass. I breathed it in and felt the rich full bodied flavor of the consideration. It was sound. It felt good.

20140310-072623.jpgImmediately after liking the thought I said, “Wow! You have NEVER thought that before.” It felt impossible. It felt improbable. It felt like someone other than me. But in coming to terms with myself, I realize that it is a part of me. A part. As is independence, ambition, competence, humility, and love. Love is a big part. And I want to be a woman who loves.

That was the theme from the women’s retreat I got to attend. “Let us be women who love.” And why not? I want to live a life that maximizes the amount of love in the world. Not just for me but for others as well. So if that means entertaining new thoughts; being a new and improved (honored and accepted) version of you, then that’s what it means.

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