I never felt more brave than the day I walked away with my broken heart on my feet and not my knees.
I’ve told a few people the story. But really it’s not one I wish to divulge details about publicly. And honestly all one needs to know is that it happened. It did happen and I could, at the same time feel two distinct ways: incredibly sad and at complete peace. It was not the first time. I felt a similar “split” when I walked away from full-time faculty as a career choice. Or when I walked away from certain friendships. It is how, ultimately I knew I was doing the right thing. Because though my ego was badly hurt now having lost a piece of how I used to know myself (in relationship to these people or as a person who would be in a certain profession), my soul was at ease because I was being true to my authentic Self. It was, each time, a classic case of “I love you. But I love me more.”
I have been chalking the shift, my willingness to be so in service to my Self, up to being almost thirty. I asked others via Facebook what it meant to be thirty for them because I was curious if other people had similar experiences. One colleague said, “In hindsight, it meant entering a new season if caring less about others opinions of me and being bold in my opinion of myself.” While another admitted, “It was the beginning of being more spiritually centered, learning old lessons at a deeper level, allowing love into my being in a deeper way, and making choices that reflect the woman I am today, everyday. It was the start of living every moment as now.” Others did not note such profound shifts marking it as just another day…and maybe it is. Maybe we attribute it to this 30th year but perhaps we use the year as an excuse to finally not “GAF” and be who it is we have been CRAVING to be.
Quite a few people have told me they know the story I should write. And have suggested I write about my vision board and/or my strong belief in the power of attraction. I agree to some end that those pieces are important. However what I have been called to lately is how know me, and learning to love me, has saved me. It has been my greatest gift. It has cost me friendships I was afraid to let go of. Men…and wondering if another was going to come along and love me in the way I feel is possible (and deserving). Family to some extent. And the traditional sense of security. I truly don’t know where my life is going to take me. “Maybe you should do that! Teach people how to be uncomfortable in the unknown.” It wasn’t just happenstance that Cheryl told me that. And she couldn’t have said that to just anybody. That message was for me, and I heard it.
And as I begin another today, full of gratitude and joy, I am also filled with wonder at what is to come. Sure, I’ve set my intention for productivity. For health and healing. For abundance and provision. Yet ultimately, I surrender to whatever the day will bring knowing that nothing lasts. Today will burn and die in ash to be reborn again under the morning sunrise of tomorrow. And if I am blessed enough to make it that long I will rejoice and begin again in the same way.