Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise, that I dance like I’ve got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?
I was afraid that I made a mistake. And I didn’t want to consider that because in the moment and in the moments after I felt fearless. I felt empowered and in full ownership of my Self and all that it meant to be me. And slowly as the minutes hours days tick by, I feel less and less strength. Did those silly rules to have a point? Are they at all valid and have I lost more than I could have imagined when I surrendered my restriction?
I spent about an hour pushing judgmental thoughts out of my head. I called myself harsh names and made myself apologize. It wasn’t very nice. It was only a tiny part, the judgment. Most of me was humming. Blazing with wild unrest in an open field of freedom. I felt happy. Settled firmly into myself as a woman who decided to finally make and live by her own rules. So, I made the judgment go away. There was no room for it in my happy parade. I wanted to float and it kept trying to weigh me down.
Today the high of being my own judge and jury has dulled. But, I’ve already begun to think of ways to get it back. The exhaustion of carrying society is a tired I no longer wish to feel. “How dare you love yourself when there’s so many things wrong with you that need fixing,” asks America quizzically? Because I don’t know another way to live! I’m finally ready to laugh back at her.
It confuses people, I’ve noticed. Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size. But when I start to tell them they think I’m telling lies. I say, it’s in the reach of my arms. The span of my hips. The stride of my step. The curl of my lips. I am a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman that’s me. And they don’t know what to do with it. I’ve stopped making that my problem. I say stopped though it is premature, but I speak to it as though it is already done.
I told Nicki yesterday you’re only as heavy as the shit you carry. And she through her arms up and said she wanted to be light. Light, as in sun, and light, as in weightless. I am going to mirror that sentiment. And say despite the moment of judgment the glares, the confusion and doubt both inside and out…STILL I rise. I rise. I rise.