It’s bothered me since it happened. The psychic said, “you’re having a fight with your soulmate…” I leaned back away from the words. Soulmate? I had referred to him as a lot of things but never my soulmate. She went on to insinuate we were tethered to one another. I remembered the year I worked to become my own woman without him. It seems, I grow in his absence.
I thought of the exchange again this morning after I woke up sad and crying. A small loss reminding me of the bigger one. Wishing terribly I woke up on those itchy non-Egyptian cotton sheets. It happens often that I wake up and reach for his hand and it’s not there. Today I cried because perhaps it’s only I who does this and he wakes up just fine. It’s a thought that doesn’t exactly comfort me, but it calls me to remember why I left.
So…soulmate? I’ve deferred to Liz’s definition of the word since I first learned it. She says, “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. (I bite my jaw when reading this because in both small and big ways he’s done this). A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. (We have had many endings and many beginnings never completely void of what was but then again never completely bound by it either. I’ve learned more about myself in that relationship than many others in my life. And grown as a direct result to things happening between us). A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
Which is where we are right now. In deciding to end our friendship I also took up the task of clearly stating who I am not and subsequently as a result, who I am. It is obvious as many of my last posts have been about me defining myself as a woman.
But then, I ask to no one in particular, if he is my souls mate does that mean we can never be together? I gave that dream up this last time. When I left I told myself there was no looking back and my leaving was not an action done to cause a reaction. Yet still to know I may never hear his voice again or be the recipient of a kiss on my forehead under a door frame…well it makes me happy for bad weather. That way the rain can keep my secrets.
I miss him everyday. And maybe I might always in small ways. But life, it does go on. Thank goodness for that.