I’d been contemplating the idea for weeks, if not months. “What. Do. You. Want?” The words echoed through me repeatedly during the days and I never found myself any closer to an answer. I knew I was happy, albeit unsettled. I knew there were certain things in my life that I needed to work on, there were multiple uncertainties, but in general I had and have clear vision and I trust myself.
I knew that I was horribly derailed by the happenings between P2AD and I and I’d had a hard time with the loss of that relationship. I couldn’t, however, suggest any viable alternatives to the pain because I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I resorted to trying not to be as hurt as I was and masking it with superficial flings with various prospects. However, inevitably someone would ask what it was that I was looking for and I met them with big doe eyes.
It wasn’t until tonight that I remembered. Excited to have been offered a new job, I wanted to celebrate. I came home and even though a massive pile of laundry stared at me, I reached for my phone and asked a few friends if they wanted to have dinner with me. After nearly forty minutes of no responses or declines I felt annoyed. Not necessarily by them, but by the situation. I said out loud, “I am ready to have someone to come home to. I am ready to have consistent dinner plans. I am ready to have someone who cares how my day went. I am ready to have the ‘first phone call’ be waiting for me when I arrive.” I said these things and it was clear to me that what I wanted was companionship, intimacy, commitment; a relationship.
They were all the things I wanted with P2AD. And I think part of the reason I took our rift so hard was because it was my first time wanting those things, acknowledging my desire of them, making them known and then to have it all met with rejection was a massive blow. It was as if I was wrong to want them. Or even worse that I was somehow undeserving of them. It is, perhaps, why it took me so long to articulate my wants again. It’s been nearly five months before I could even say the words out loud just to myself, and my pile of clean clothes.
I told my Person “I’m tired of friends.” I am. I’m tired of looking there for connection. It’s inconsistent , and everybody has their own life and own priorities. I know that as a friend you are important to your other friends, but it is certainly not the same as a partnership. I don’t want another friend. I want a partner. I am ready to be in partnership. And I’m saying it out loud so you know it’s real.