I asked a friend of mine yesterday if he thought I was the marrying type. The question derived out of a conversation I’d had earlier where someone said they couldn’t see me married. It was a complete shock to me because I’m someone who always saw that as part of my life. Not only part of it but in my next few years. I’ve learned well enough by now not to plan or count on anything because life can change in a blink of an eye. But it’s just always something I thought I would do.
I considered the day Little Beyoncé and I went wedding dress shopping. The sales woman asked all the questions and I had all the answers because my then boyfriend and I had been discussing it seriously. The longer I walked around the store the higher my anxiety rose and it got to the point where I couldn’t breathe and had a full panic attack. It was a sign to me that perhaps this wasn’t the time. Looking back it wasn’t the time nor the person. Apparently it took a panic attack in a bridal salon to learn that lesson.
By now I have quite a few good friends who are married, were married, or are getting married soon. I couldn’t feel further away from it. Which is probably why I was so hurt to hear that he couldn’t see me being married. Just because I feel that way right now doesn’t mean I want the world to know.
I explained that there were things he didn’t know and I gave him a <140 character update on my life this year. He said he understood. Then offered that if I wanted to be in a relationship I needed to stop acting so hard all the time. It's feedback I've heard before. That I shut people out or I act like I don't need anyone or I'm "too" independent. It's not the truth of me. The truth is when I let people in I have a hard time letting them go. It's so much easier to lose people if they stay on the perimeter. I experience loss as a catastrophe. I wish I didn't. I've been working on not, but I'm in progress.
It's why this entire semester derailed everything.
But I think I am the marrying kind. And not just when I get better with my trust and loss issues. I used to think I had to have thing a figured out before I invited someone to share my life with me. Now I think I just have to be comfortable enough with who I am to say "here is my mess, can you love me anyway?" And he will. The right one, he will.