It was the first time I really felt my body was holding me back. I hated the feeling. I was also just tired in my bones and didn’t have the wherewithal to try and convince myself that I was wrong. I figured the worst case scenario was that I’d fall off and couldn’t pull myself back up. And that it would become a big deal to help me do so. I couldn’t process a happier alternative. That surely I had enough strength to hang on. That surely if I fell off, I’d have what it took to pull myself back up. But truth be known, coming straight off the Bali trip when an Indonesian man literally had to pull me into the spider boat after snorkeling, I’d lost confidence in my physical abilities. I was left feeling a bit like dead weight.
It was something I really couldn’t explain to my friends who were begging me to go. I firmly refused and laid in the sun with my feet up bouncing up and down with the waves on the boat. And I just remember thinking this was new, how was I going to fix it? When I jumped off the cliffs last summer I wanted P2AD there with me and the fact that I had that thought made me want to do it alone. This time I wondered if I would have gone if someone was there to hold my hand through it?
It wasn’t an excuse, but I was curious as to whether the affirmation of someone would have helped me to get over myself in that moment? Jessica, you have to be there for yourself. That thought made me sad. I was there for myself enough. There wasn’t anything wrong with wanting a partner who could be there when I needed reminding of my own strength. “I wish I had someone strong enough to catch me when I fall.” I remembered the moment. I felt it right then.
And it had less to do with weight and body than it did security. Which ironically are far too inextricable for me. So for now, I chose the decision I could live with. If I were to go again today having dissected the entire event, I would make the same choice. If you can’t live with the worst case scenario, then it might not be the best option. And I couldn’t. Not right now.