I thought I was done with the grieving process. Somehow last night I found myself dropping down the rabbit hole into my feelings. Remembering the feeling of being discarded. That was the most prominent one. Thrown away without so much as a second thought. I’d believed so strongly that I meant more, that we’d meant more than that. It’s hard not to take it personally. It was hard not to scream and yell and curse, but “not everyone deserves your truth.” And I was done giving you the satisfaction.
I thought next of new possibilities. The current butterflies danced to the beat of a New York rhythm. But we decided no commitment. Only I agreed to that and then I slipped and fell into you and was immediately intoxicated. Searching for my balance I was honest and told you. Tired of fear determining what I say, to whom, and when; I decided if a man couldn’t handle my truth it was best to know sooner versus the end.
Unsure of where that road goes I decided maybe it’s best to sit still for a while. Cross my legs and lay in the sun, bathing and listening for the sounds down each road that lie ahead. Soft drums of heart racing, short lived but intensely felt. I’d done that before. Danced to that beat and the time has come for something slower. Something more steady.
I’m not sure why but i hope he sounds like Pennies from Heaven or La Vie en Rose. Slow. Smooth. Like we could dance like this forever. I want to close my eyes on his shoulder and breathe him in. No more sweaty grinds to bass beats or body pulsing percussion heavy rhythms. I’d allowed my body to dance for far too long. Now it’s time for my heart.