I had this thing…where a long time ago I “lost” the ability to sing fully without becoming painfully nervous and shaking. But I’ve always loved to sing, she was like the one that got away. So today I escaped home. I ran away to the nearest happy place, my most sacred happy place. I put on a sweat shirt and hiked a new way towards the water. I sat near the edge to begin with, near but not close enough, so I moved closer. I sat cross legged off the edge of the cliff and I turned on Sam Smith. “Not in that way” played first. It’s a song that’s particularly poignant these days, and I let myself sing it. Loudly. Really sing it. And I felt myself come alive in a way I had not felt in a really long time. Next was “Good thing” and “Stay with me” and “Lay me down”…I sang them all fully and without regard.
When I got home Nicki and I got to talking about compatibility. I thought of former loves from past selves and future loves for all my possibility. What was missing and what is present now that needs to be fed? Nourished? Cherished? How has my song changed and am I ready, now, to sing it the way I did today on the cliffs?
I ended things with everyone. Every man I’d been offering severed attention to over the past few months. I made a decision that I was worth much more than fragments and I was ready for a whole love. The second part…it was something I’d said before but never really meant. Not for lack of trying. I thought I was, every time I iterated it. Here is what I realized through dating, and singing, it’s that it comes down to one thing, showing up. It is all about the effort.
I had a colleague tell me today, “Here’s a thing that’s probably not worth mentioning again (he was wrong), but so many of my buddies break it off with a woman because they don’t do certain things or look a certain way…you know it’s something much easier than that. It’s all about….well, logistics. And at the end of the day it’s about the person who wants to figure out the logistics with you. Who will stay. Who will compromise, and who will work it out.” I told him BFFT had told me something similar years ago as I was crying in a closet. “Sometimes The One isn’t the one who’s perfect for you. It’s the one who’s willing to work it out.” Again, logistics.
Songs…sometimes you focus so much on technique stance, warming up, setting, outfit, lighting, audience, etc…you get so caught up in creating the perfect moment that you miss the important part, singing! And really it’s just about opening your mouth and projecting. It’s so easy and so complicated and I think relationships are the same way. My “best” relationship was the easiest. I was myself, fully no matter what mostly because I didn’t know any better and maybe that sort of naivety is beautiful. Kind of like when I was trying out for that elementary school talent show and I just wanted to belt out my song. Today I sang loud and clear, and it felt so damn good…I think I’ll do it again everyday for the rest of my life.