I now understand why I’ve been semi-consciously searching for stability. Because my dreams are about to rock my entire world.
I spent most of yesterday in a state of open arms. I did not expect my words to cause an outpour of solidarity among women I know who have struggled with weight, body image, leadership, connection, and authenticity. I wrote my post and went to share my ideas with Zachary. He freaked. In a good way. He told me the things to work on, the problems he foresaw and then we built an argument for why this is absolutely what I need to be doing. I explained my own paradox of being absolutely called to the work and simultaneously terrified by it. “But,” I would explain to him, “I know this life well enough to know that if I ignore it, it will only get louder.”
There was a moment where I paused and looked out over the ocean and screamed silently to all the elements and God too “Why me?” The thought, the exasperation was one that I knew had been answered far before the question was formed or left my lips. It was what I already knew, that I was born to do it. That everything in my life had brought me to this moment for this purpose. That the challenges that lie before me were significant but not more significant than the support behind me. I looked at Zachary and wanted to tell him that I needed him to support me through this. But before I could a certain peace flooded me and I was eased. I knew in that moment that I would have not only his hand but the hand of many and most importantly the hand of God guiding me through this journey.
After the meeting I saw the messages, the comments, the emails, the phone calls all from women who were commending me–though I saw it more as I simply cracked the door. And who were ready to talk to me about their experiences. It was yet another affirmation that I was on the right track and that this work was really what I was meant to be doing. My own fears became secondary to the necessity to be the medium.
And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give permission to others to do the same. I am a woman. I am a Black woman. I am a fat Black woman. I have a story to tell. And I want to hear the stories of other women. Fat women. Who are willing to share with me their trial but also their triumph. I am in the business of freedom. It is my driving force and the thing I value most over all other things. I see it as the ultimate expression of love. Love liberates. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. I want to facilitate the emancipation of mental slavery. Teach people how to love themselves so well it changes this world.
Dream big. Get big.
How do you get to the place where you’re speaking such bold truths out loud and without pause? A hell of a lot of Audre Lorde. The political (and I add economic) warfare of self care. The unacceptability of silence. The championing of intention, actually specifically, being deliberate and unafraid. The acknowledgment of the woman’s power, anger, and need to define herself FOR herself. She’s been everything to me in my becoming. Even the way she begins with ands, it’s validated my feelings, my style, my poetry my story.
Step one: make clear my own story and become aware of my bias blindspots and tendencies. Step two: account for the logistics. Setting my perimeters and creating the space. Step three: the call. And it happens quickly.