Waking earlier than usual in the cusp between the time between the sleep of the west and the rise of the east, I lay cradled. I was meant to think.
It was no secret to me and perhaps those who know me most intimately yet were too kind to mention, that I was a bit checked out. I was taking a break from being what was previously my stasis. Reflecting on that even now I realize that it will never be my normal again. I have tasted a different spring and now my blossoms grow a little wilder.
A question that lay at me feet, perplexing me was answered in the simplest way: in quiet. It was “why am I able to choose and acquire such rich and inspiring relationships with women yet not at all with men?” With men I seemed to stand ankle deep when I craved to be submerged. Or so I thought.
Life is really not so complicated. Everything and everyone is energy. You attract your vibration. And what I could now own was that I was terrified. I was emitting an energy of fear, distance, needing to be protected, and in general superficial existence as it pertained to my love life. Conversely I presumed my same-sex relationships to be quite the display of true affection, connection, and trust. I thought I was safe in them. What I can now admit is that I was wrong. While my relationships with women felt safe(r) than my relationships with men, I was fearful in all my relationships. So when tonight I lay pondering my question and the answer arrived, my soul answers quite clearly, “Jessica, because you are afraid.”
Earlier Mari mentioned feeling as though when she walks away from conversation with certain people she spoke her whole truth. I searched myself for similar instances. And while with my most intimate relationships I do speak freely, there is almost always more to be said.
So what am I afraid of? What keeps me so bound that I’ve felt love up to my knuckles as I try hard to pull it towards me through wire and stone? I am afraid of being alone. Of never having someone who bears witness to my life. Of never becoming a mother. Of being the woman who had so much potential yet disappeared into a sea of oh well. Of being too bold. That maybe the way I see myself is not who I am at all. That somehow all this time I’ve been faking it. I’m afraid of all the things my body may keep me from. And I’m also afraid of all the things that may become accessible as a result of losing weight. I’m afraid that maybe I’ve been loving myself incorrectly or incompletely. With condition and pretense. I’m afraid that nobody will read this. And I’m more afraid that somebody will, and will want to talk to me about it. In my brief moment of courage I am saying: Please do. Because it makes me want to crawl out of my skin I’m so uncomfortable, and yet it helps me to remember I am not alone.
I have figured out my third and final tattoo. It will be an arrow with the words “with love” in the body. Because from now on I am choosing to move forward with love, as much of it and as little fear as possible. I want to discontinue behaviors, habits, stories, and if necessary relationships with roots in fear for they grow thorns in my garden. I want to sow goodness in myself and those around me. I wish to be kinder, gentler, to pause prior to responding and to give my full attention to each task. I wish for all things to be done with love. With an air of freedom and inspiration, an encouraging push towards a dream yet to be realized. I am utterly convinced that people who operate with love do not end up alone. That is not their purpose and it shall not be mine. It cannot. I cannot choose love with my left foot and worry that no one will join me, staying rooted with my right. I have to leap with both into possibility, fueled by faith which is the ultimate act of love, I think.
I wish I could tell you how my soul feels right now. But there have not been words yet created to describe it. The best I can offer is that it feels like Christmas Eve and New Years wrapped up in your birthday. Not the gifts, but the feeling of peace and of solidarity with the world around you as joy is championed and hearts beat to celebrate. It feels like all is well. And that is the sweetest feeling to be covered in as I lay swaddled still in my time cusp. I laugh to myself because the universe is so well designed there are no coincidences. This was always a moment meant for a chilly November morning wedged between two coasts, stillness and rising.