I’m home sick. Physically unable to keep down food my body is in a period of purging and I’m allowing it to happen (as if I had a choice). I suppose I could fight it, but I’m consciously and psychically on board with the purge. I figure, it’s a physical manifestation of my recent emotional state.
In my hours of rest, lucid dreams and reflection I realized that I was wrong before when I noted that my biggest fear was abandonment. I was seeing it wrong and perhaps because of my state I was able to turn the jewel and look in through a new facet. I grew up nearly 13 years as an only child. I am an extreme introvert, and pretty sure in my past life I was a monk on a mountain top somewhere on the outskirts of town. I know solitude. I crave it far too often for it to be my biggest fear. What I realized was that my biggest fear is really engulfment.
When I consider my friendship with P2AD, if I’m honest, so much of the comfort in that relationship was that it had strict boundaries. I did not share everything with him nor did he require that of me. There was an unspoken agreement between us. As a result we were never going to work because there is only but so long a being like me can live quietly, I much prefer to live out loud.
I shied away from being the ambitious one. That was him. I aimed but never too high, careful never to upset the balance of who we were. Never considering how my roots were pushing right against the plantar clay desperately trapped and needing space. Until the pot bursts. And when it did I in my full glory admired my branches bright with color and form smiled up at the sun and said “I am!”
I had moved on. Confident in my resolve to remember my beginnings and my ends. From the soles of my feet to the crown of my head I would acknowledge my starts and finishes. Letting my hands graze over my sides I let my fingers take a photograph of my curves. Here you are, know yourself. And never again ask someone to love only pieces of you, self included.
Know yourself! Know the rhythm your laugh takes as it vibrates through your chest. Know the crack of your spine as you inhale. Know the growl of your belly and the scar on your knee. Know your hands reach for the ends of your hair as you near slumber and how your right leg quakes when you feel restless. Know your hands feel shortly after your gut and neither are to be ignored. Know your vision is your Sight. Trust it even when there is no one to affirm what you’ve seen. KNOW YOURSELF for the infinite being that you are. And then,
Own it. Be her. Run as her laugh as her sing as her live as her and love as her. Own it. Because when you know yourself, it is not possible to be engulfed. To get lost in usness. To become unrecognizable. To be draped in costumes robes and masked. There becomes nothing to fear as a result of the omnipotent proclamation “I am.”
And I utter the words knowing that the next minute will hold a different me than the last hour did. Yet still, I am. As I learn and unlearn grow and prune, i am. In relationship or out, with friends and family or in isolation: I am. And never will I cease to be because my limitlessness knows nothing of time or space, I am. I am. I am. That is it. And the words will always accommodate me. They always could.