Yet to be determined

I curled up in my favorite…well second favorite blanket to write. I spent the last half hour gathering pictures from these two days in Bali that I couldn’t get out of my mind, and now the only thing I can think about is how I need a manicure. When I picked up my laptop…well, the school’s laptop that I keep checking out for weeks months at a time because I don’t have my own…I wiggled my fingers. I noticed their length, how much my nails always seem to grow between manicures. My Atlas ring that I bought myself because I believe that every woman deserves at least one piece of Tiffany jewelry.  I remember I was at a store…Nordstrom Rack or something like that and a young girl asked me about it. “Is that the Tiffany Atlas?” I told her yes. I almost took it off and gave it to her. I didn’t but I still think about it. One day I want to be able to do things like that. Let go of the things that I treasure when it feels like their care is needed elsewhere in the world.

fartoosmartAfter my last break up (with Deeds) I told myself I never again wanted to be afraid to let go of nouns (people/places/things) that no longer served me. But what I found myself faced with for the past twelve months was being charged with the task to let go of a past version of myself. I had become comfortable being who I was, so comfortable in fact I was resisting the evolution of becoming who I COULD be.  Who I had the capacity to be. It is time that I owned how I have been denying the fulfillment of my potential.  When I sat on that beach in Amed and I said, “I did not ever want to let anyone or anything cripple the acknowledgement of my hearts desires” I had to accept that I was no exception to that.  Neither I, nor anyone or anything else was going to get in the way of my joy.

And now I take the time to do better. To let go of who she was and take my first steps to who she can be. I would like to note, that this is terrifying. Everything I’ve said I want, walking towards that unshileded and unguarded, in fact with arms wide open to it? But i do believe I have come to the place where I want it more than I fear it.

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