I wonder if there will ever come a time when my entire being doesn’t respond to him?
I knew my last relationship was over when my then boyfriend told me he couldn’t make it to my graduation. Is it completely unreasonable to expect the person you love to…
I wrote the following to Little Duck tonight: But ultimately, I’m a Carrie. And I need someone who loves the me that I love. And I need someone who’s going to fly across an ocean just to bring me home when I’ve lost my way. He was never that guy. Even though I didn’t know what I was doing when I ended us in February, somewhere in me I did. I knew.
And then…E surfaced, claiming Id been on his mind. I told him I was beginning and ending meaning I was three days from ending my academic career in the classroom and beginning the dissertation process. He then said he was proud of me, and it wasn’t until the words were said that I recognized how much I appreciated and maybe how much I really needed them. I cried. Just a little. Okay, a lot. It’s an indescribable feeling to have someone who loves you tell you they’re proud of you.
That’s the thing that I want, I would later tell My Person. I want someone who loves me like that but better. Plus commitment. In an article I was sent yesterday on why you marry the complicated girl, it said, “I am not simple. I am a challenge for any man, I will admit. As hard as I try to be the simple girl, it is just not in my nature to be one. I demand more from everyone because I see great potential.” This was why, in my estimation, P2AD and I imploded. I couldn’t be simple for him in a time where I think he wanted that. Sometimes people aren’t ready or willing to be pushed. They aren’t ready to be the man you know they can be, and maybe they never become that man. But I couldn’t settle for knowing the potential was there but not the will.
It continues, “Marry the girl whose eyes flicker with passion about a number of different subjects. Marry the girl who won’t let you get away with slacking on your talents. Marry the girl who pushes you to be better every day. Marry the girl with whom you sometimes fight. Marry the girl who is your equal or greater.” It was weird for me the first time E pointed out I was going to be a doctor and he was a college dropout, indicating our difference. It made me uncomfortable because I never saw us as different or one better than the other because of formal education. I reminded him that BECAUSE I was terribly smart he must be too because I wouldn’t entertain someone who couldn’t keep up with me intellectually. It felt self-deprecating, and to me it needn’t be because he’s achieved so much along his own path.
All of which is not to insinuate anything about him and I. We are just old friends, but I think what makes him unique is that he knows me so well and loves the same me that I love. There is a kind of intimacy there that you could bottle up and sell for millions. But we are not committed to one another, and that is key in any relationship. As much as he cares for me, he would not cross an ocean for me. So we make ourselves a picnic under the stars on the limit of our concern for one another and there is where we reside.
Meanwhile I take a moment to lay down and look at the moon. I send a prayer to her. Asking her to control the tides in my life as she does the ocean. I’m ready for a relationship. An adult relationship where all the ingredients are present for sustainability. Pull him to me. I no longer want to entertain fragments of satisfaction, nor the woulda coulda shoulda, anyone unsure of me is not for me; push them from me. Let the acceptance and love I have for myself illuminate me as the sun does you, a beautiful golden honey moon.
Typically I remain skeptical but hopeful, but today the skepticism feels too heavy. I think I’ll put it down and allow the hope to lift me. Hope that maybe by the next graduation, if there is an ocean or a country to be crossed, he will cross it.