I was stalking Jason Bolden on Instagram. One post lead to another and another and somehow I came across an interesting list one of his followers posted, “10 questions to ask yourself before 2015”. I love a good year-end review reflection so I figured why not. If any of you decide to answer them leave a link in my comments so I can read!
1. Are you happy? I can honestly say I have never been any happier with myself or my life than I am right now. There is no particular reason why other than an abundance of gratitude. My practice of saying thank you even during struggles, trials, and turmoil has changed my life for the better. I have gone to bed and woken up for many nights in a row at total peace. That is bliss.
2. What am I passionate about and how am I pursuing my practice? My passion is freedom. I’m back to meditating. I’m not sure why I ever leave. I tell myself I get too busy for it, which is ironic. I’m meditating to get to freedom because I am not sure the 5th or 6th step but I am just taking the next one–dissertation. There’s a great deal of freedom in becoming an “expert” I’m a specific field of study. The possibilities that exist for me post-grad are exciting yet not all are right for me. Hence, meditation.
3. Who or what is weighing me down? You know…I don’t feel weighted. I feel light. I think for the first time in a long time I’m not holding on to something waiting for it to work out or fall together. Holding my breath and praying for an outcome. I’ve let a tremendous amount of things and people go this year.
4. What do I need to forgive myself for? Needing–all things need. For hiding–show up, be seen. Giving myself limits–you are Incomprehensibly bountiful. For believing I was a fragile thing in need of protection–I did not know my own strength. For falling apart–there is beauty and bravery in claiming a broken heart AND being determined not to let it break the rest of you. Mainly, I need to forgive myself for the lies I told myself about myself.
5. When did I feel the most alive this year? Sitting on the beach in Bali. Crying my eyes out facing the ocean as the rest of my tribe had a bonfire. I was in the process of releasing. Of trying to allow myself to examine my hurt. The sacredness of the moment was caused by two things, the sheer acknowledgement of where I was and a previous conversation I had with my friend Bobby that cut way too deeply. It was one of those times when you’re Seen and you’re a mess and the other person still treats you like you’re a precious gem. And he said how much he wanted love in his life and I found myself wanting to say the same but with dust in my throat. I told him he made me want to grow up. He still does.
6. Daily self-love? I would like to think eat sleep and pray like I love myself. How? With an increasing level of awareness, attention, intention, and grace. I want to be as mindful as possible this year. To stay with myself and to lean more into my intuition, more than I ever have before. I want people to feel me when I walk in the room. Me but not me. I want to emanate divinity.
7. What do I want to let go of? Doubt. Questioning. Logic. Needing to understand or know the answer to why. I realize this may never come to pass entirely, but I want to move closer to faith. A faith based life.
8. I want to dedicate 2015 to becoming the best version of me. To growth. To depth. To spreading my wings and leaping. I want to speak more truth. I want to walk out on limbs. I want to trust that I will be okay and that I am not so easily broken. I want to get stronger. To move forward. To continuously becoming. I want to dedicate 2015 to surrendering.
9. In 2014 I learned that I am so much more than I was allowing myself to be. I learned that the things I felt about myself but was unsure of are real. I learned that if I set my mind and my heart on a thing, it can come to pass. I learned that sometimes you travel halfway around the world only to end up right back where you started. I learned that wisdom is everywhere and when I listen and pay attention I can learn from anything.
10. 2014 showed me that even if you have to crawl, you keep going. You trust in the power greater than yourself. The voice that tells you you’re destined for sketching is going to take care of you. It showed me that love is a verb and that you have to allow people to love you or you’ll wilt. I learned that suffering is a closed mouth and that pride will kill you. 2014 showed me that I am a survivor and I have a story and a gift for this world. We all do. I learned the power there is in giving to yourself what you used to solicit in others. In 2014, I really began to love myself. Fully. Unapologetically. Unconditionally.