S(Cars)

There are a couple of things I’m not so good with. Sexual assault is one. One that I’ve never experienced myself, but must be carrying the karma for from past lives because it is deeply uncomfortable to my core. I’ve gotten better at handling it though, namely do to my role and profession. The other thing I’m not so good with is car accidents. I don’t watch them in movies, I don’t like to hear about them and I particularly do not take well to being in them. For reasons why, click here.

Last night I was involved in a very minor fender bender. I was sitting waiting on a parking spot when another car backed into me. I felt my car rock and I remember taking a sharp inhale. Hearing the scrape of metal on metal. I closed my eyes tightly and let my breath escape. I was shaking looking for my insurance card. It was an old one but that didn’t matter my policy was current. I just needed my policy number. The other driver go out of the car and without questioning whether or not I was okay he demanded if I had insurance. I remembered the truck driver demanding “Why did you do that?!” Only I knew this was not my fault. I was sitting still. He backed into ME. So I frantically searched for the proper documents. And called my insurance company. I snapped photos of my car and of the other drivers insurance information. He never said another word, just quietly
copied down my information. It was the oddest exchange.

There was a moment in one of our final Ethics classes a classmate shared his experience with an accident. Very detailed. I writhed in my seat unable to hold back tears they fell until I’d cried off all my mascara. A classmate next to me asked if I was okay. I told her yes. Kai would later ask the same. I told her I just couldn’t hear those kinds of stories. Annie hadn’t noticed but I told her later anyway. I’m not sure she knows the reason but she always listens anyway. She was a close to comfort as I could get or maybe wanted. I’m not willing to fall apart completely just at the thought.

When my conversation with Progressive was done, I told the other driver good night and to get home safely, something I say to every single person I ever leave, every time they get into a car. I just wanted to go home. No longer having the energy to search through Target my mind was preoccupied. So I left. I texted Annie what happened and I went home and curled up on the couch. It was one of those times I deeply wished I had a thunder buddy. I would tell Lee as such. He knows I’m not so good with car accidents and took the opportunity to be extra kind to me. I just wanted someone to stoke my hair til I fell asleep. And to let me cry if tears should fall.

My mom…I called her and she was down to brass tacks. I don’t fault her, most parents would do that. I also know she thinks I should be over the trauma of my accident, but I’m not sure it’s something you get over. You certainly move on and you heal a bit…but as the scars still exist on my body, the emotional scars still exist within it. And while I know this accident was nowhere near the severity of my other one…it didn’t matter. Because I’m just not so good with them now and I don’t know if I ever will be.

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One thought on “S(Cars)

  1. I’m even worse. I had one where my car flipped over and made stunts like in an action movie, since then I’m freaking out every time someone drives too close to me, when the sight is unclear, when I’m in a traffic jam and so on. And this is really bad since I need the car to get to work, the next public transport is kilometers away from where I live. I completely understand you, at least I think I do. Get well soon!

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