Train tracks

I talk to my best friend every day. Usually about the mundane details of everyday life, but often enough about the really good stuff. Today it was time for the really good stuff.

I wasn’t sure why my past was bleeding into my present. I was certain he and I had said our goodbyes. Letting famous poets bid our farewells far sweeter than any “Dear John” we could have composed ourselves. Yet here he was.

“What [is] my lesson for being drawn to such an elusive man” I asked him? He couldn’t answer. His only advice was to tell me I couldn’t control my emotions. I could try to kill them but I think we both knew that’s what I’d already tried doing and here we were in some semblance of together.

“I hear you, but I’d prefer you wouldn’t.” Was what he said in response to me waiting to have my heart broken by him. Surely it will come I assured both him and my best friend. I silently hoped he would understand he had the power to not ever allow it to happen. But many more pieces of me knew it would. Not intentionally, but as a direct result of his nature. Which was one of the things that drew me to him. In his head he had an idea of who he was. A scientist. A bachelor. A lover of pragmatism who doesn’t get caught up in menial emotive paradoxes. And me, the prototypical emotive paradox being the current object of his affection. It made him unknow himself. He noted the ease with which we exist in each other’s presence. As if we already understand each other’s rhythms. I agreed. He doesn’t like that it doesn’t make sense and I’d grown a particular affinity for jazz.

He was selfish. He admitted that. Even selfish with me. Demanding of my full attention. A whiskey drinker the first time we kissed he tasted of rye. Maybe that’s why I’ve been intoxicated the whole time.

“I don’t want him to come back if he’s not going to stay. I don’t know how to enjoy him with an expiration date. I’m always holding back.” I explained to my Person. To which she said, “Vacations have an expiration date, it doesn’t mean you don’t go and just enjoy as much as you can.” And then the most honest and heart wrenching truth escaped my lips causing a sharp chill to grip my spine and tears to fall from my face

I don’t want him to be vacation. I want him to be home.

The whole thing simultaneously giving me strength. Remembering the state of emotional disarray I was in this time last year. Begging someone to love me who clearly had no interest, how was this different? I wasn’t begging. Or even asking. I had simply acknowledged my feelings. I was honest. And my wellness was not dictated by his response. In fact, my very breath came from a decision to honor and be true to myself. To try for something.

Jennie said its putting pennies on train tracks. I said it felt like putting myself on a train track. But maybe she’s right. I’m not laying down to die. I’m living. Im living full out in my truth and if it comes with a little heartbreak, well God I’ve been through worse.

6 thoughts on “Train tracks

  1. When people show you who they are, believe them.

    My wish for you is that someone who is truly open to the idea of love will find you. From what you’ve shared on this blog I think he already knows how you feel. You’re not good at faking it. And yet he only ever gives what he is comfortable giving. Maybe he needs to hear that he has to be all in, or he has to let you go, full stop. You give so much of yourself that you deserve someone who will pour that much back into you. Be blessed!

    1. I agree! And I believe he would agree. In fact he specifically said he wishes I would devote that kind of emotional attention to him. To which I answered I cannot help how I feel, only what I do with those feelings. It’s not as cut and dry as he doesn’t want me, I’m done. He’s actually very sweet and supportive and kind just travels A LOT for work which makes communication difficult. I think for now it’s just a day by day process. But thank you for your well wishes 🙂

      1. Ah, I see. I know I we only get part of the story but I would hate to think he was completely clueless as to how great you are. 🙂

  2. Dear Jess,
    Forgive me if I’m too verbose. You are truly my best friend, even if only in my head. You have had me all in my feelings these last two weeks. I have yet to recover from the post about loving myself and today’s post about train tracks just unleashed so many emotions for me. I have yet to confront my own issue with the man in my life who refuses to leave and this post has just messed with all my feelings. My Bunny and I parted ways due to my fears and insecurities. I tried to convince both him and myself that it was for the best, it was not. I used the excuse of long distance relationships not having great success rates, but I was lying. I couldn’t imagine a man like him settling for a few short weekends, when he could really have any woman he wanted. I had hurt him. I did not have enough faith in us, and that’s what hurt him most. So I tried to move on, believing someone close by could fill the void left by him, they could not. I reached out to him, but no response. I am so afraid of being rejected by him. My heart wants what she wants and she is desperate for Him. I have decided to reach out to him one more time. I found so much solace in these words written by you, ” I want to assure myself it is okay to try and fail. Having your heart broken is nothing to be ashamed of, it means you have the courage to surrender your heart in the first place. That sort of unbridled affirmation, that lack of judgment, that freedom, the forgiveness for who I am not and the acceptance of who and what I am and what I am not. That is love” I want to experience this freedom of love you speak of. I have decided that no matter his response I am going to put myself and my feelings out there. Consequences be damned. In the wise words of a great old sage, Mr. Vandross, “I’d rather have bad times with him, then good times with someone else. I cannot move on until I take this risk. I want you to know I wish you love, Jess. Even if this connection you have with him lasts a moment, a month or a lifetime, trust yourself. Live and follow your truth.

    1. This is honestly so touching that in my small way I’ve encouraged you to live your truth. It may not be the way for everyone but I SO believe in the risk. I believe in trying. I believe in the grand gesture. And sometimes it has lead to a broken heart and other times it has lead to great love affairs (not just with people). My moving to San Diego with about $150 to my name was a risk but my heart just needed it. It was right for me. You have to just always do what’s right for you. You are so much bigger than any pain you might incur as a result of making a bid for connection.

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