I’ve never found any particular reason to write midday. That is not when I typically feel most inspired, it is in the witching hours when the sun is asleep and the moon kneads the oceans over the earth that I find my words. However, today they came just now and continue to arrive through me in the moments. He texted me a piece of his story. That he did not grow up with the life he wanted and how to came to where he is. Just a few sentences to tell about a whole life. It was not and is not sufficient but it is his way of sharing with me. My response was one that surprised me. It was validating and affirming yet also an ask for more with assurance that there is no other ask. The only thing I want from you is you.
I remarked to myself the level of fearlessness my response displayed. Typically I would perseverate wondering if it was too much or too lengthy. If it was too revealing or forward. If my honesty would scare him away or be intimidating. I might have responded but not so genuinely. I would have played it safe.
I find myself here at the corner of love and freedom. Not a love of him or of any one in particular but love in all things. Walking with intentionality of love. Speaking with loving words. Eating with loving grace, and so on. So I responded to him as I would have genuinely responded to anyone coming from a place of love. The curious thing about relationships, budding, pending, possible or otherwise, is that often it is not initially about love. We are too afraid to make it about love so soon. We make it about sex or pleasure, fun or friendship; and we tell ourselves that in these less scary places there is safety. That we can be ourselves bit by bit increasing our authenticity as our trust builds in the relationship and our sense of safety is proven. What I have learned, however, is that safety is never guaranteed. Trust does not ensure that my heart will not be broken, I will not feel alone or be alone, and my authentic self will be valued.
Perhaps I made an unconscious, now conscious decision to let the game go. To be my truest self as I know her to be whenever possible. Because if no one can guarantee me I’ll never feel heartbreak again (and no one can) then what is it that I’m protecting myself from? And while the last break brought me to my knees it did not kill me. I would even venture to say I am a better woman for it. I am proud of myself for saying what I said in the way that I said it. As I told my friend Mari, if as a result of me being honest he leaves then I will be relieved and if he stays then that is gold. And my wingspan does not depend on either outcome.