I find myself in a most curious position. Today I had another panic attack. Why? Well because I realized I’d stumbled into the same emotional place that caused me to invite “him” over that night: loneliness.
I cried because my dire need for affection, just to be touched, was so grave that the perversion of the fantasy left me scarred.
I cried because I somehow failed the test of enjoying one’s own company. Apparently there’s no time limit on that test.
I cried because I felt weak in my need for human contact. It was a confusing emotion because while I know I have to be whole and complete on my own, I also need someone to bring me into existence.
I cried because I wanted my best friend. She has been struggling with the same issue lately and somehow her concurrent battle makes me not so crazy.
I cried because what I want seems so simple that the fact that I can’t have it makes me feel like it’s me. Is it that hard to find companionship? Let me tell you-YES!
I find myself craving touch. Imagining intimacy. Acting out the types of conversations I’d like to be having with others but have to have alone. I cried today because I was exhausted with the charade.
I need someone to hug me. I need someone to rub my back. I need someone to squeeze my hand. I need someone to harmonize my laughter with. I do.
I was accepting just the pieces before to try and fill the void and pacify me until the full package arrived but I’m tired of that and I’m quite frankly tired of waiting. If I’m angry at anything right now I’m angry at that. Because I don’t want to harden with bitterness. But it’s getting harder to stay optimistic.
And people who have love always want to tell me I need to find it in myself. I always want to tell them fuck off, you have a dinner date on Friday nights. See? Bitter.
I’m resenting the lack of availability of truly intimate relationships. It always feels like skimming to me. And maybe I need to adjust my expectations. Which is what I think I did today after I stopped crying. The people I consider my very best friends are irreplaceable and cannot be replicated. No matter how much I wish the latter were true. I need to accept the friendships I have now in full knowledge of what they are and what they are not.
And as for my loneliness? I guess it’s just here to stay for a while. I should stop trying to scurry it away. Sleep with loneliness at night. Have dinner with him. Brunch. Happy hours. Maybe I need to just BE lonely ?