“…and why is it,” I asked my roommate rhetorically, “that its so much easier for people to except change after a tragedy as opposed to anytime we want something different?”
She said the question stayed with her even days after our initial conversation. The one where I told her all the things I wanted to do differently moving forward, as if my trauma had allowed me a sort of “reset button”. In a way though, it had. So severed from the person I used to be I’m left with two options, to try and inhabit that old me that is just an empty shell or to change. I explained it to my ex: “Trauma is funny. (In what way?) It redefines you. The old you is uninhabitable. It forces a reincarnation of sorts. But it’s the exposed vulnerability as you move into your new self that damn near kills you. Like a hermit crab switching from one shell to the next.
So I think the past two weeks was me switching shells. And this week, my pause is my first in the new shell and I’m trying to adjust. How does this Jessica walk? Talk? What does this Jessica say? How does this Jessica love? Of course many of those things are stored in the muscle memory of me, some were lost, and some I’m choosing to redefine.
I had a long walk today on the beach and I didn’t think about anything in particular. Just the walk that I was on. The sun beating down on my face, the sunflower headband at my brow, the grains of sand beneath my feet; I was just in that moment. I sang along with my music and I stopped every now and again to look around. I did not try to make sense of anything or anyone around me. I didn’t guess at their stories. I didn’t listen to any conversations nor engage in any of my own. I simply was. And it was beautiful.
I have no idea what time I arrived but when I left I felt as though it were just the right amount of time. That’s what today was supposed to be about right? Just being in touch with myself. And it felt good to give myself permission to simply be. I’ll be giving myself permission for a few more things moving forward too. And not asking for affirmation from anyone else either. That’s also what this week is about, I think. Listening to myself and reconnecting with my intuition. Already I have to say, this was a good decision.