In general, I am an optimistic person. I believe fully in the ability to manifest and invite things into your life energetically, be it positive or negative. And I, up until recently, had a sort of delusional unshakeable belief in myself to be extraordinary and produce extraordinary things. I believed in my own magic.
Believed. Past tense. Right now, two days before my dissertation proposal defense and the two days after P2AD’s graduation from medical school I find myself drowning in self doubt. Not knowing whether or not I am capable of making the best decisions for me and being unsure of the steps I am taking. It’s as if I lost the ability to truly connect and communicate with myself.
So then I cry. I cry for several reasons. Many of which I’m tired of harping on. And the people around me ask me what I need, only its nothing they can offer. In the past two years I’ve been fighting like mad to get back to myself and its occurring to me now that I won’t ever make it back there. And I’m not supposed to. I need to be focused on a new place now. A new version of me.
They say you should never take a job that doesn’t have some room for growth and challenge. I suppose the job I’m taking on is one of self acceptance and self-certainty.
I want my committee to be proud of me Tuesday. I want to be proud of myself Tuesday. But what I realize is that the source of my pride may be unknown. Instead of being proud of delivering a flawless presentation with absolute clarity and poise, maybe I’ll simply be proud of myself for getting up and trying my best.
It’s overwhelming whenever I think about it. Coming into this work that requires so much of Me when I feel so broken and raw. Daring to be authentic even when I do not feel capable, competent, or confident. I suppose I’ll settle for brave. That may be the best they get from me.
And it may not be very academic. And it may not be very professional. But it is supremely human. And that’s my audience. Connecting to people’s human experiences and a reciprocal call into existence as a result of genuine connection. The only way I can do that is from where I am.
My sad and broken place. My unsure and scattered place. My sincere place. Here.