An Inconvienient option: But what if I fail?  

In general, I am an optimistic person. I believe fully in the ability to manifest and invite things into your life energetically, be it positive or negative. And I, up until recently, had a sort of delusional unshakeable belief in myself to be extraordinary and produce extraordinary things. I believed in my own magic. 

Believed. Past tense. Right now, two days before my dissertation proposal defense and the two days after P2AD’s graduation from medical school I find myself drowning in self doubt. Not knowing whether or not I am capable of making the best decisions for me and being unsure of the steps I am taking. It’s as if I lost the ability to truly connect and communicate with myself. 

So then I cry. I cry for several reasons. Many of which I’m tired of harping on. And the people around me ask me what I need, only its nothing they can offer. In the past two years I’ve been fighting like mad to get back to myself and its occurring to me now that I won’t ever make it back there. And I’m not supposed to. I need to be focused on a new place now. A new version of me. 

They say you should never take a job that doesn’t have some room for growth and challenge. I suppose the job I’m taking on is one of self acceptance and self-certainty. 

I want my committee to be proud of me Tuesday. I want to be proud of myself Tuesday. But what I realize is that the source of my pride may be unknown. Instead of being proud of delivering a flawless presentation with absolute clarity and poise, maybe I’ll simply be proud of myself for getting up and trying my best. 

It’s overwhelming whenever I think about it. Coming into this work that requires so much of Me when I feel so broken and raw. Daring to be authentic even when I do not feel capable, competent, or confident. I suppose I’ll settle for brave. That may be the best they get from me. 

And it may not be very academic. And it may not be very professional. But it is supremely human. And that’s my audience. Connecting to people’s human experiences and a reciprocal call into existence as a result of genuine connection. The only way I can do that is from where I am. 

My sad and broken place. My unsure and scattered place.  My sincere place. Here.  

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5 thoughts on “An Inconvienient option: But what if I fail?  

  1. Maybe you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Damn…This whole post got be in my feelings. Thank you for your braveness. It is my hope that in these spaces of uncertainty that there is a spot just for us to be. Chance encounters, conversations, and quiet solitude can lead us where we need to be. Thank you for your platform as it shows your honesty and courageousness. It motivates me to stay brave. Good luck on Tuesday.

    1. Thank you so much!!! I think times like these are always but moments. If they linger it’s because we choose to stay in them. But I try my best to remember how blessed I am and push to gratitude over grumpiness

  2. But what if you fly?
    You have already succeeded *regardless* of if they understand the value of what you share with them in that presentation.
    Their opnion may influence the grade they give you – but not the worth of you pouring your raw self into it.
    Your work has value. You are necessary.

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