I am giving up on love. Not in a cynical sad way, but in the way where you finally donate those pair of jeans that you bought as “goal pants” that just mock you and take up hanger space. Further, by love I mean this idea that I’ve subscribed to that this one human being is going to come into your life and fit in a way that everything else shines brighter. That somehow the world you already have created for yourself somehow is enhanced.
I still believe in companionship. I even still believe in the sacred vows of marriage. What I no longer believe in is that without those things my life is dull or somehow incomplete.
It’s somewhat of a big revelation for a romantic like me. But as I’ve grown up and down–rooted deeper into myself I had to ask myself why I was holding this reservoir of love for a “maybe” rather than pouring love on the people who mean the most to me who are currently in my life. Further, I’d started to make a habit of dating men who couldn’t give me what I needed or deserved and wanting to “love them into commitment”. It didn’t make any sense, they didn’t want it and if I were being honest with myself, I didn’t want it either. Too afraid then to call a spade a spade, I can say it now: I was preparing to settle.
And that is never ever where I wanted to be with love. I’ve asked myself if what I want is unreasonable. But then I see it reflected in my friendships, most notably with Jennie, Annie, and Ted. Circumstance and sexual orientation aside, I could live rich and happy love-filled lives with either of them. So it lets me know it’s possible.
I’m not sure what happens in the future for me relationship wise. But I’m no longer subscribing to the idea that my life is incomplete or lacking because I’m single. And frankly, it’s a good thing to make that declaration I think. To be a whole person living a full life…that’s the dream!
My life is up and down. I’m battling through anxiety and PTSD, I’m figuring out who this new me is, I’m trying to set intention for my professional future and do the work that will get me there. I am in progress, but I’m here. I feel the sun on my skin and the air in my lungs. God is within me. My heart beats and laughter still escapes my lips daily. I am blessed. No man could give me that kind of soul satisfying, gratitude soaked peace. No anyone could have.