Diverge

One beautiful thing I’ve acquired in my thirty-one years on earth, and in particular the last five years or so, is a steady growing surplus of “no ‘fox’ given”.  If you understand what I’m saying…

It is like all those cliche internet memes suggest, when you finally know your worth, you find it increasingly more difficult to be around those who don’t understand or add to your value. I remember a conversation I had with Nick as he drove me to LA to catch my flight to Bali. I told him how I had such a hard time saying someone wasn’t good enough for me. Or that I was better than any one person. So I found myself giving people the benefit of the doubt more often than was comfortable for me. He told me–flat out–that I needed to get over that. And he was right. I had to reframe it, it wasn’t that I was better than anyONE, but certainly I was better than certain behaviors and actions. It wasn’t that someone wasn’t good enough for me, we all have the capacity for greatness, but I need someone who has knows his capacity for greatness and is actively working to realize it. 

Next came what was certainly the most difficult to own, and that was my certainty around being “okay” never being a bride. Not that I would remain single forever. But I’ve always dreamed of being a mom, not a wife. I’d made one conditional on the other, and I decided recently that that was unnecessary. This idea freaks people out when I mention it. As does my indifference to monogamy.  But the more I’ve become okay with my beliefs, the less I need other people to be okay with them. 

I have grown to own that for as different as I am, and as “out there” my beliefs are that at my core I am still very simple. I believe in kindness. I believe in helping others when you can. I believe in love and that it is everlasting and the most powerful force in the cosmos. I believe that who we are today is an alchemy of who we’ve been across lifetimes, which is why we are so much more socially complex than we were fifty or even one-hundred years ago. I believe that freedom is in authenticity. I believe that sex is among the most sacred spiritual experiences one can have, and that it is the truest expression of the truth of any coupling. I believe that children are magic, and adults terrified, but jealous we will never be that magical again. I believe that the most innocent creatures hurt the most because they feel too deeply. I believe the elements can heal most ailments. I believe in waiting for your cue. I believe in quiet exits and grand entrances. I believe in art. I believe that we have in us, the power to change the world. I believe we are terrified to own that power because we are too afraid of the responsibility and the accountability. I believe in saying ‘I don’t know’ when it is in fact the case. I believe that everyone knows in their heart why they’re here. And that our purposes are much bigger than the roles we play. I believe in speaking only when it improves the silence. I believe in a lot of silence. 

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