Chocolate River Steamboat

There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction they are going!
There’s no knowing where they’re rowing,
Or which way they river’s flowing!
Not a speck of light is showing,
So the danger must be growing,
For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing…
~Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I’ve been a bit out of sorts lately. I have tried communicating it, but my attempts were feeble at best and not necessarily met with any real traction so I retreated into myself. Any spare moment I get, I sleep. Yesterday I worked from home, checking things off my checklist one after the other and when I was done it felt as though I’d run a marathon. I slept for four hours. I woke up, got a few other things done then was exhausted and ready for bed. I slept for 9 hours, missing my 6:00am alarm urging me to go to the gym.

I got to work today, early. I couldn’t find parking…story of the semester so far. I immediately started crying. Parked at the other end of campus and kind of fumbled my way across to my office where I willed my door to appear closed, though it was open. Why is it that we push people away when we need them the most?

I’m uncomfortable in my clothes. I hate what I’m wearing and I keep fidgeting with it. It feels too tight. I keep telling myself it fits fine, it doesn’t feel like that. I take my shoes off under my desk and search the ground for some relief. Do they make under-the-desk patches of grass?

I didn’t cry during my video blog but I did watching it back. I am so unhappy right now. I am stirring in it. I recognize that this would be a time to seek gratitude and find the things in life that I am grateful for…One of my old clients described depression as a dark and twisty figure who hid in the corner and waited for her, omnipresent. I can feel it reaching for my hand.

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2 thoughts on “Chocolate River Steamboat

  1. My God do I understand what your feeling. It’s a battle everyday to find the will to go. It’s sad because I’ve been so blessed this week but Im struggling to find joy. Oh well…..keep pushing forward. Find the little things and fight for your joy. Things will get better, life will get better, just remember you have to fight for it 🙂

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