There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction they are going!
There’s no knowing where they’re rowing,
Or which way they river’s flowing!
Not a speck of light is showing,
So the danger must be growing,
For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing…
~Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
I’ve been a bit out of sorts lately. I have tried communicating it, but my attempts were feeble at best and not necessarily met with any real traction so I retreated into myself. Any spare moment I get, I sleep. Yesterday I worked from home, checking things off my checklist one after the other and when I was done it felt as though I’d run a marathon. I slept for four hours. I woke up, got a few other things done then was exhausted and ready for bed. I slept for 9 hours, missing my 6:00am alarm urging me to go to the gym.
I got to work today, early. I couldn’t find parking…story of the semester so far. I immediately started crying. Parked at the other end of campus and kind of fumbled my way across to my office where I willed my door to appear closed, though it was open. Why is it that we push people away when we need them the most?
I’m uncomfortable in my clothes. I hate what I’m wearing and I keep fidgeting with it. It feels too tight. I keep telling myself it fits fine, it doesn’t feel like that. I take my shoes off under my desk and search the ground for some relief. Do they make under-the-desk patches of grass?
I didn’t cry during my video blog but I did watching it back. I am so unhappy right now. I am stirring in it. I recognize that this would be a time to seek gratitude and find the things in life that I am grateful for…One of my old clients described depression as a dark and twisty figure who hid in the corner and waited for her, omnipresent. I can feel it reaching for my hand.