I’ve spent the last few days with a knot in my stomach. When Ted told me he watched and liked the video (of me asking for help) I felt a flood of shame wash over my face. I thanked him, and changed the subject. It brought on a lot of intense emotions…joy for those who donated. I am always so moved when people affirm me in this work in particular. I believe it is because I am so unsure of myself. I am trying to feel a sense of competence and confidence, but to be honest I’m not there yet. So when someone else sees what I see, or just trusts in the clarity of my vision for my vocation, I am overwhelmed.
Conversely, for all of those who didn’t say anything about it I project my very big insecurities. Which…I am trying so hard not to. I won’t even give voice to all the things I’ve thought others must be thinking. I will simply say it’s not nice.
It is bitter work not to make either the good nor the bad projections say something about who I am as a person nor about my relationships NOR about my ability to create this space for myself professionally. I keep in mind the quote from Liz Gilbert never be ashamed of having your heart broken, it means you tried for something. Of course, that does require me admitting that my heart, is, a bit broken. I had hoped for a different outcome. And over the past few days I wondered if there was something I could have or should have done differently…or maybe I never should have asked at all.
But that’s not right. I prayed about it. And if what I’ve been given so far is all that I’m given, let the record show that I am still so grateful. Also, I am extremely proud of myself for not ripping the video down at the first sign of discomfort (which came immediately after posting it). This is a test in remembering who I am and not attaching my indenting to things that come and go, are fickle and may changed. Not even relationships, for they too
deteriorate. All of that is ego. I have to take a breath and I have to find that peaceful being inside with a messy ponytail sitting draped in white by a riverbank deep in meditation but smiling from deep within her roots. That is me..Self. And she is at peace, not embarrassed. She is grace, not frustration. She is love, and nothing else.