I haven’t wanted to write lately, mostly because I was tired of writing about the same things. Financial woes and a struggle to make ends meet. Met with the underwhelming response to my “Go Fund Me” when it took so much of me to ask in such a public way. I wonder for a split-second what the lesson was and then I quickly move on. I don’t care, I’m never doing it again. I can admit that my stubbornness comes from a place of hurt. Second, my anxiety and depression are still very much an issue for me. Sad that it took a pill and about two hours of prep to go to a dear friend’s going away party, and then having to leave early. I tried to forgive myself Reminding myself that my right now is not my forever. Still, I thought, I fucking hate this feeling and I’m starting to get really restless with myself being such an under-performer. Again, not the best lesson or place to be in. Then after a particularly inspired conversation with my mom I decided to reach out to P2AD and ask for a conversation. Not an “us” conversation but mainly to apologize and acknowledge the very different place we were in and make a bid to wipe the slate clean with forgiveness. He saw the message right after I sent it, no response. I try not to hold that against him because I understand life is busy and our present time is not always our time to be most present. I try to mentally prepare myself for the answer of silence and for having to do the work of forgiveness in solitary for my own peace of mind. Simultaneously, I know that there are only so many heart breaks a girl can take. That would surely be the last time I ever reached out to him again. Despite love and despite feelings. I would sooner ignore my heart and my intuition for self-preservation. While I still believe myself to be stronger than heartbreak, I also made this rule this weekend that I was simply not going to tolerate making people important to me who did not show the same priority to our relationship. That admission calms any rage I may have otherwise allowed my ego access to. Throughout this entire ordeal I feel my central struggle has been to recognize myself in the midst of so many other people and things telling me who I am (was). And when I do find myself within the chaos, to hold on to her for dear life. When I have a grip on who I am, I feel at peace. Even within my own warring body. And if I make a decision with her hand in mine, the I can withstand the embarrassment, or the sadness, or the anger, or the rejection, or the solitude. Because My actions were never about the product, they were about the process. And maybe this entire time is about getting me to a place of clarity with my soul’s own wants will and desires.  Really thing only things she asks of me are quiet, kindness, patience, and expression. I can give her that.


2 thoughts on “Surviving

  1. I can completely relate to the beginning. I’ve been worried about my financial woes, I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety, as well as being upset about my mediocre performance for some time now. And just last week, I went to a free concert and I realized what I missed and loved (knowing people, dancing, learning about culture)…since then I’ve had this energy. I hope that you’ll get soon too. I know things are dark and cloudy and even though it doesn’t seem like it and may not seem like it for a while, it’d get better…May peace be with you. Take care of yourself!

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