Waking up from a dead sleep gasping for breath. Drowning. Again. This is the knowing that it’s coming. I curl up in the fetal position and the tears begin to fall. Body tense. I remind myself that despite what it feels like, I can breathe. I’ve had to cut my nails short to keep from clawing at my skin. Something about the pain is soothing. Brings me out…but I know it’s not good so I try not to do it. Cold and sweating my pillow is soaked with tears. God I just want this nightmare to end. Please let it end. Let it be over finally. No more bad, please send me something good. I beg over and over again. Sobbing. Trying to hold tight to my faith and belief that I can overcome this moment. I feel the salty nausea in my mouth. My body wants the pain out in any way possible. And all I can do is cry.