I’d just told Eb I was feeling lonely. And then my mother came and sat beside me and put my head on her chest. I closed my eyes and listened to her heartbeat. The first sound I’d ever heard. I am not sure what the opposite of lonely is, but now I feel that.
I wanted to kiss him again. I never wanted to stop in the first place. We did the dance around one another but now here I was standing still. I opened my hands and closed my eyes and only time will tell if he will meet my gesture with his own.
I can remember the day my sister was born. We weren’t supposed to hold her in the beginning and in many ways we have been making up for it every since. And now she’s a young woman experiencing love for the first time. I want to hold her in my arms forever and shield her from anything that might hurt her. But instead I let her go, telling her I love her and covering her with kisses.
After I acknowledged that we weren’t going to see one another over the Christmas break, he seemed okay. It was yet another sign to me. That and my own hesitancy. Grief over a life I no longer wanted that felt like breathing glass. I was relieved to finally stop.