My word for 2016 is surrender. It was my word three years ago and it’s back again, only with slightly different context. After the hell that was 2015 there came a point when I could no longer hold all my pieces. It was as if God designed it that way so I would have to employ serious discernment on what to continue holding and what to let go of. When I dropped my heaviest burdens, the peace I felt was indescribable. It was then that I knew I needed to sit down and carefully sort through “my shit” before I moved forward. Not only that, I would need to surrender the things I could not hold to a power much more capable than me. In other words the title of 2016 is Surrender: Letting Go and Letting God.
With my peace came a need for truth-telling. A sort of radical honesty that helped me to better understand what I was holding and how it had come to pass. With some things I noticed patterns and I then had the opportunity to ask myself, “is this how you want to continue? If not, what do you need to do to change your outcome?” It wasn’t as simple as actions or even thoughts. I wanted to completely change the mental terrain in which some of my most undesirable patterns had been allowed to flourish.
For example, I have a nasty habit of allowing men in particular to treat me poorly. I can’t simply say, I’m not going to allow this anymore! Because it’s subtle. It starts as an icky discomfort and me wondering if I’m overreacting or misinterpreting. And over time it slips into long periods of hurt feelings and insufficient apologies. I forgive them for this reason or that, but I’m left feeling somewhat displeased and disgusted with myself. I ask myself what am I gaining from this? Is attention worth it? Sex? Companionship? Anything to soothe the ache of loneliness… It was then that I realized Surrender also meant opening myself up to heartbreak.
When you develop a relationship with delayed gratification, giving up “right now” pleasure for long-term peace, it can sometimes hurt. You can feel things you don’t want to feel and sometimes turn to vices and addictions to get it of. Our egos are fragile and tell us we can’t endure it but our soul knows we can. Our soul is not afraid to try and fail because failure is part of success. Our ego tells us we cannot survive heartbreak and we must do everything in our power to avoid it. So, I had to say no. Here I am, and I am available for heartbreak. I am strong enough to withstand it. I am resilient enough to rise from it. I am courageous enough to try again. Because I am focused on something bigger than the hurt of this moment.
This year surrender requires me to believe something different of myself entirely, not just my actions. I think this is why the word came back to me. It was time for another level of the work to be done. Triple loop awareness, it was time to change my consciousness; alteration and upholstering of the entire contexts which held both my blessings and burdens. I needed to understand who I’d been believing myself to be because it was she who had found herself in this predicament. Then I needed to come to terms with who I really am. Dropping the pretense and being radically honest with myself. I had to love myself better. I have to love myself better. Because I truly believe that we show people how to treat us. It was time, it is time for me to stop accepting crumbs for meals. I am worth more than that. And if someone else can’t see it, that’s okay. Because I am available for heartbreak and I’ll survive that rejection. And that of any others who dare to appraise me for even a penny less than what I am worth.