Sometimes life presents little time posts, small hints that let you know you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. It’s the night before I fly back to San Diego and I found myself unexpectedly emotional. Laying in my sisters bed wishing there was a way to somehow pack my family up with me in my checked luggage. Tears dampened the pillow case as I explained my sadness to P2AD, and it’s root cause.
I’m sad because I feel better here. I am nervous to leave because I was falling apart there. I was falling apart because of anxiety. I have anxiety because of PTSD and I have that because I was raped. It was like a gust of cold wind slapping me in the face as I told him the abbreviated version of my 2015. He was sorry. I cringed. I hated those words. I tossed them atop of the pile with all the others and responded with gratitude. I couldn’t stop crying so I said goodnight and left him with my ill shaped thank you.
I set my alarm for 5am and then changed it to 5:45. An hour was plenty of time to throw shit into a suitcase and toss on a dress with UGGs. I didn’t care about my hair or make up. I knew the hardest thing I would have to face in the morning was saying goodbye to my mother.
Hours prior we lay on the sofa, full of popcorn and wine watching This Is Where I Leave You. After a funny scene with Jason Bateman and Adam Driver getting high in the Temple basement I pointed out to my mother that Adam was wearing sunglasses and a crown. She smiled. Two hours before the movie I asked her if she’d seen the Dave Chapelle meme posed with money and a crown. I googled a picture and tried to replicate the pose while wearing her fur coat (an item I was wearing to lift my spirits). “You don’t have sunglasses on!” She told me. I searched the house unable to find a single pair of sunnies. Sad, I settled for my regular glasses and poised with my fur and my crown I snapped a photo and showed it to her side by side with Dave. She smiled telling me I was crazy.
“Mom! I’m clairvoyant! This is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.” She just said okay but I knew I was right. Jason was home to mourn and deal with loss and so was I. And just like the characters in the movie, tomorrow morning I would leave and I would carry on with my life.
I saw the crown and sunglasses and knew God was telling me I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And even though I am sad to leave I know that too is the right thing. I like when God sends me signs but I must say that my heart always knows when it’s right. My job is just to be quiet and listen and every now and again keep my eyes open for the time stamps.