Holy Grail

You’d been on my mind. Moments after our conversation ended, I bit the inside of my cheek. Stay here. I urged myself, knowing that I have the tendency to float away on clouds of what-ifs. Fabi said to me, “I have something for you.” I opened the card, a Ketubah tree. It was beautiful with twisted bark bursting with colorful blossoms. It reminded me very much of her, and it reminded me very much of bashert. I opened the card and it read:

My dearest Jessica, 
Moldavite, much like yourself, descended from the heavens. Found as a meteorite crashed against the earth it is found only in Bohemia. It is supposed to stimulate the heart chakra and the mind’s eye.
I closed the card and looked up at her. Thanked her profusely and told her I’d been running from this. She laughed because she knew and then she waited while I put on the green moldavite earrings that accompanied my sweet card. I fingered the stone as I sat cross legged in the sunshine, I forgot to bite my cheek so I was floating. Googling later I would find the following information about Moldavite:  Moldavite is a tektite, and a stone of intense frequency and high vibration. In ancient times it was thought to be a mystical stone that could bring good luck and fulfillment of wishes. These natural green crystals are powerful stones for transformation, as it is thought to be the stone known as “The Holy Grail Stone.” It is one of the best stones to use for psychic protection, as negative entities find it difficult to connect to your aura when you are wearing it. Wearing this stone is an advantage when you are working with spirit, so you can be sure that what you are making contact with is of ‘the light’. Using this stone in meditation is very powerful. One of its best assets is that it is a protective stone, and especially if you are working on developing psychic abilities. Change and spiritual healing are the common elements that this powerful natural crystal stimulates amongst most people, and this may take different forms. This beautiful green stone can affect any or all of the chakras but it major effect is on the heart chakra, which resonates the vibration of love.
I found it peculiar that (it should be noted that twenty minutes has gone by…I’ve sat here contemplating all possible outcomes of me saying the thing I’ve been trying not to say, trying not to feel for some time now.) I found it peculiar that your discomfort lead to my own. That your pain solicited the need to care and the desire to heal in me. It was not out of obligation; it was not something I did because I felt I should it was something I did because I wanted to. Because when you are at east, I feel more at ease.
I keep telling myself to stop saying I’m bad a relationships, at monogamy, at commitment, at trust. Not because it wasn’t true, but because it was not the only truth available and it was not the only story that could be told of me. Here is how I know what is truth from what is a story…my legs? They are always in motion. I get it from my mom; restless legs. Sometimes I ask my body what it would prefer to be doing in the moments my legs shake. The answer is never the same, but still my body stays in motion. The rhythmic dance is soothing to me. I have grown accustomed to it. Others have noticed it and commented on it asking me if I’m cold. However I noticed that I’m still with you. I thought perhaps it was a recent development. Now that I had been somewhat honest with you about how I felt about you, and us. But as I thought back I realized I reached for you for comfort more times than I cared to admit. Sometimes guised in other things,  but always for the same end game: the quiet still moment that would inevitably come, after.
It would be too simple to say I like you because of the version of me that emerges with you, though that is certainly part of it. I like you because you like quiet. Because you act with intention. Because you are ambitious but not selfish. I remember you called me sexy once, and I wasn’t doing anything particularly sexy. I breathed that moment in deeply and found myself intoxicated by the idea that me as I am could be sexy so effortlessly.
I remember a time when I would crave compliments, attention, acknowledgement from men I desired. I did the things I thought they wanted me to do, I dressed to bring that character to life, I spoke in her voice and I lived her life until I could no longer keep up the charade. Ending the relationships with the act. And yet here we were, you asking for me, and me actually showing up. I don’t know “what” we are, but I know this is the most honest pairing I’ve ever been apart of.
I also know that I love you. For right now, just my knowing that is causing a huge stir. I don’t want to make sense of it, I don’t want to pinpoint how or why, I just want to lay back like I did that night in the Caribbean sea  wrapped in the warmth of the feeling, the peace, the slow motion of it all. As much as this is about you, us, here in this space, its about me. Allowing myself to be here and feel this is monumental. Not running from it, not hiding from it, not convincing myself that it is fruitless or a fast track to failure. Not needing the words said back to me to validate or affirm my own feelings…that’s major. I don’t know how you feel. I have guesses, but I wasn’t looking for reciprocity or permission. I simply wanted to be present, tell the truth, and let go of the consequences of telling the truth.
I’m open and I’m writing about you, I warned you. Surely you knew it was coming. However I think I’ve respected your privacy even while exploring my own feelings quite intimately. Because slowly you’ve begun to matter in a way you never did before. I’m not the type to run away with myself writing your last name as my own day dreaming about engagements and future plans. I’m the type of girl that dreams of lazy days of reading and sporadic discussions, kisses to the bend of my wrist while I drive, hugs that last too long and vacations that we take last minute and forget to bring a camera.
Is it too soon? Maybe. I don’t know the rules and was never one to follow them anyway. What I do know is that I wanted to say it in a way that felt natural to me. Putting it in context. Taking it not just as an emotion between you and I but also as a sign that this work, my heart work, is in progress. It’s evidenced by my feelings and by small signs such as the earrings and the card. It’s about me facing my fears and being open despite any reaction you may have. It’s about wanting to give you an out and say “don’t feel pressure to say it back or think I’m asking for something…” and instead letting the words just be, the feeling just be, the moment just BE. An open heart in a present moment, that’s the holy grail.
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