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IMG_0459To say the past few days have been difficult would be an understatement. It’s been an uncomfortable replay of last year. Feeling rejected, drowning in silence, tears and feeling invisible. I told a classmate of mine earlier that I could feel myself almost wishing someone would bump into me so I could just feel someone else. Be acknowledged if even by accident. I likened myself to Mr. Magorium’s Sock Monkey.

The difficult part and the part people keep telling me (I hear you, please stop) is that it will all work out. I am worthy I am enough I matter blah blah blah. Sometimes even the most well meaning mentions feel like bullshit. Because you’re not in a place where you can FEEL utopia, why the hell do I want to see a postcard?
That’s how I feel right now.

It’s so incredibly difficult, still, for me to ask for help. It is even more difficult when you can’t ask for a thing. It’s not a specific favor not an exchange of anything tangible. How do you ask someone to just love you? Love you gently because you’re feeling raw? Be tender with me. Ask me how I’m doing and be prepared for any combination of words tears and silence. Ask anyway. Hold my hand. Hug me like you mean it and don’t pull back until you’ve given me all you think I need. Rub my back. Sleep with me. Literally if you can, figuratively if you can’t. Include me in your prayers, I feel that warmth. Be my friend.

Is it that simple? I try in my own quiet way. Reaching out, but never feeling I have the right words. Peculiar problem for a writer. I gather up all the gumption I have left and ask for time. Usually, the people who know me best know what that means. But there are others. With whom I wish I were closer to…with whom I want to have deeper connections…But they don’t speak the language of my silences. So they miss the meaning in my words.

Still I reach. And on nights like tonight, human after human…the thing I remember most about depression was how isolated it made you feel. Everyone felt so far from reach, like you could see and hear everyone around you but you just couldn’t touch them. As if you were enclosed in thick glass. It was sadistic. To reach every time sharply shooting your hand outward towards an open hand only to have your knuckles cracked by the pane.

But I relied on the connections I do have. In my way, I gave my Hurt voice. I still struggle to share. Be bare. To not just name it and speak of it as separate from me but to own it as a part of me, and squared up. Because I can’t say what I need, I simply asked for time and maybe that IS exactly what I need. Intentional, quality time.

Last Night a DJ Saved My Dissertation

The entire room felt like one massive, united tribe of thousands of people, and the DJ was the tribal leader of the group. People weren’t dancing to the music so much as the music seemed like it was simply moving through everyone. The steady wordless electronic beats were the unifying heartbeats that synchronized the crowd. It was as if the existence of individual consciousness had disappeared and been replaced by a single unifying group consciousness, the same way a flock of birds might seem like a single entity instead of a collection of individual birds. Everyone in the warehouse had a shared purpose. We were all contributors to the collective rave experience.
~Tony Hsieh “Delivering Happiness” 

I’d read these words sometime last year and highlighted them to remind myself to share them with my Work Wife. I knew she attended raves, and I wanted to know if this experience that Tony described was what she felt, too.  When I asked her, she confirmed and ever since then I’ve wanted to attend a rave. Last night I did.

A short remark before I continue, people are often surprised at the things that I get into.  My thought now, and for most of my life has been to just have fun and never be afraid to try new things.  Of course there are things that I do not like or that do not sound appealing to me (sky diving), but more often than not I believe in the fun of the adventure and a life free of what-ifs.

So, last night Work Wife (WW), her husband and friends and I went to see Armin Van Buuren here in San Diego.  I was dressed like a highlighter in bright neon workout clothes because she told me to dress bright and light–as in light fabrics because with so many people dancing it can get hot.  We arrived at the concert at about 8, and for the next five hours were treated to lights, smoke, acrobatics, singing, dancing, live musicians, confetti, and of course, really really good music.  I’ve told WW previously about my ability to see people’s auras and colors in music.  There was a moment last night when I sat down and just closed my eyes. She asked me if I was too hot or needed anything and I told her no I was fine but I could see better with my eyes closed. I tried to describe to her the way all the colors looked to me but nothing I said could quite paint the picture. It was amazing, and the words Tony used, or that I would use to describe the experience fall daftly short to even begin to explain.

I texted a friend of mine who has been to raves and told him that it was easily one of the best things I’ve ever experienced in my life, and asked him why he never told me about them before.  He messaged me back and simply said, “Its a total different experience, right?” It is.  When I woke up this morning I was still so curious about what I’d experienced the night before. What was that? It was beautiful, whatever it was, but what was it?  It was then that I went back to my copy of Delivering Happiness and looked for Tony’s words to see if I could find my own truth hidden in them. It was exactly it.  It’s a shame that raves get this stigma of drugs and out of control behavior, because it was so much more than that. It was, I thought, exactly what I’ve been trying to describe in my dissertation.

Connection…drafting…murmuration…movement…one purpose…deference to the collective…this was it. It was the experience of being at a rave but in a classroom.  How do we get that? How can we foster that? What do we call that so we can ask for it specifically?  My synapses were firing all over the place lighting up connections between this theory and that study. It was like a laser light show of thought.   I went straight to my computer and began typing. I didn’t stop for two hours.

 

Red Nails

When I was little my aunts and grandmothers told me that red nails were not for little girls, they were for grown women. I suppose I took red make-up in general to then be synonymous of womanhood. Like once a girl was ready to embrace being a W-O-M-A-N than then she could wear the color red. Maybe its why on days, like today, when I feel whole and womanly I reach for lipstick in the reddest red.

I’ve always thought the sexiest outfits a woman can wear are one of two things: a fitted white tee-shirt and blue jeans, or a knee-length little black dress. Simple. Classic. And in many ways, are not about the outfits themselves at all. On my sassy days, I’d pair the outfit with red lips, as I did today, and feel complete. It wasn’t until today that I realized some of the meaning that might be held in my favorite things.

I’ve made it no secret, my desire for love. I was watching Iyanla, Fix My Life and she was speaking about weight. She said we put it on when we are protecting ourselves from something. Nothing new. But something repetitive as I’d read the sentiment in an instagram post a friend made about women holding weight in our midsections to protect our most precious treasures; our reproductive parts. When I heard Iyanla speak I remembered this and it dawned on me that as I’d just eaten McDonald’s for the 2nd time this week that there was something I needed to hear. Then she said, you are using other people to make you feel good about you…you can’t do that!

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I do that. In a lot of ways, in the past it’d been far more destructive more…needy. I can see it now…here. For as much as I don’t write for comments in the comments section or likes on facebook…posting “selfies” and smiling when my number of “double taps” exceeds 30…I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. Damn good. And I think that makes me nervous. Because the taste of it is intoxicating and I can see myself reaching for it as I used to reach for….well many things that weren’t good for me or to me.

I went to a coaching session today and was asked, “And what if you are abandoned? Do you believe in you enough?” I answered that I better. But that word, abandoned. It felt like opening the door on a freezing cold morning. My breath escaped me completely. And in my heart of hearts, really in the core of me…which rests in that midsection I’ve protected so well (haha) I knew I did. Because even when I let go of people, I do so holding on to something else far greater than myself. I may get left, and I may feel lonely…but I am never alone. And I recalled that in the moments when I’m trusting, I never even feel alone. I feel full. And whole. And like a woman. Like a mother.

I can’t wait to have a daughter. To share with her all the power she holds as a woman. The power I, for many years, believed existed solely in my physical being. Red nails, red lips, slim waist and a voluptuous body…my womanhood is not limited to those things. And I have arrived at the place where I can say I love women. I love the company of women, I love being a woman, I believe us to be beautiful, magical, strong, and courageous beings. The things that make us us…well I was, honestly, being dated and chauvanistic. Physical beauty or the elements thereof is not where my womanhood begins and it certainly is not where it ends. It is about creation. Innovation. Listening to intuition and trusting yourself. It is about dancing and movement and connection. It is about sensuality and sexuality braided together with an unshakable knowledge of self. That’s red. That’s womanhood. Or at least what I know of it to date.

A reconsideration of sorts

I had just gotten done working on a part of my research when I got on the elevator heading down to the car. Feeling the box adjust just slightly as I stepped in my heart sank ever so softly into my chest and I asked, “how long have you been telling yourself that something is wrong with your body?”

I didn’t bother to answer. A few weeks ago I decided I was going to start adding physical aspects to my morning gratitude practice. Thanking God for my body in various ways. I thought, more than anything, right now, I am so very grateful for being my mothers daughter.” And what does that mean? It means never being satisfied with the superficial, it means being caring and candid, it means appreciating laughter, and it means being charismatic. Neither of my parents are shy “keep to yourself” types, and so I guess its only natural I have this strong pull to connect with others.

I saw a classmate of mine who told me he reads my facebook posts, and my blog when I post links to it. “You haven’t posted in a while,” he said. I forget. Not to post, but that even this place is a testament to connection.

No one has ever been as hard on me as I have been on myself. I have held myself to ridiculous standards and held dreams just out of reach like a dangling carrot to a mare. In coming to terms with my own…well, with myself, I have grown to understand how much I’ve limited myself. And why? Because I didn’t look a certain way? Weigh a certain weight or dress a in a particular style? Its just a lie. Its an ugly lie and its so clearly not true as evidenced by my amazing life.

I have loved. I have jumped off mountains and treetops. I have drank too much. Danced for too long. Laughed too loudly. Given too much. I have lived. And not only that I have lived a damn good life. And I am so grateful for my story (so far). I am ready for whatever adventure awaits me, and I plan to greet it with grace and curiosity.

In my journal I wrote, as I listened to Joel Osteen:

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And I meant those words. I am worthy of love. Of belonging. Of connecting, that is my birthright as a divine being. I feel I’ve come to the point in my life where I can recognize how many miracles I’ve been privy to experience and I realize just how great its been. I can look at the darkest corners of my being and say with love, “it happened.” I recognize my survival, my strength, my resilience. And any flaw I might have thought I had just isn’t a good enough excuse given all I’ve overcome. No. I am fearfully and wonderfully (that is, full of wonder) made. I am walking ordered steps.

It happened, yes, but God…

Glimpses

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I love photography. I admittedly am one of those people that change my facebook profile picture every few days because I get tired of the shot a few days later. Usually, its about the outfit, or the hair or the make-up or some…accessory that has temporarily made me feel (fill in the blank). I took one of those pictures the other night before a friend’s birthday party. My hair was curled, my lips were pink and pouty, my eyes were understated drama…I felt pretty. And yet a photo I took days before still haunts me in a wonderful way.
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While I felt pretty in the “dolled up” picture, I feel beautiful in the other. Its plain, pretty ordinary and otherwise unremarkable. My hair was straight, my make-up…well what make-up? Its just me. And I guess I see myself everyday, but I certainly do not look at myself and see the beauty I see in that picture.

I was having a conversation with myself; thinking about where I am and where I’m headed. I thought about my strengths, my absolute strength being in people. In connecting and relating and listening to people. I wondered, challenging myself a bit, how I could get better at this. I’ve long believed that the bashert things are easy, we make things hard when we fight against the way. Yes, again…surrender.

So I thought about the things that have come easy to me…the good things like making friends and the bad things like quitting on my health. And I’ve talked myself through “the fights”, asking myself why I stayed in the ring. In past relationships it boiled down to wanting to prove I was worth sticking around for. In past failures its been my own stubbornness is not wanting to accept that not everything was meant for me.

But when I look at that picture, I get a glimpse of the woman who is sure of herself. The woman who is not defined by her relationship status nor her partner. The woman who loves fully because she chooses to, not to validate herself. The woman who is capable of anything she puts her mind heart to. I smile because I see her. And until I can see her everyday, I am going to keep searching for glimpses through the photograph. Glimpses that remind me of who I am and who I was created to be.

A Liminal New Year

Let us just begin by stating that prior to Zachary, I had never even heard of the word ‘liminal’ and now I am using it to describe a very real phenomenon.  Not sure that I have mentioned, but I will be travelling to Santiago, Chile soon.  I am going for a class but will be leaving on December 31st and arriving in Chile on January 1. What this means is that I will be “in between” when the new year rings in.  It dawned on me just yesterday that this was less of a hinderance (because New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday and how dreadful to be on a plane instead of celebrating–to further this aside, many have tried to argue that I will be on a plane…heading to CHILE but that, to me, did not negate the fact that I’ll be covered in strangers’ germs and peanut salt rather than glitter and champagne residue) and more amazing happenstance.

Before I continue, a lesson on liminality. From what I understand of it, it is literally a state that exists in between two readily identifiable places; one of a past way (which you have left) and one of a way yet to be (which you have yet to embody, fully).  Zachary calls it the third space. I think of it as grey.  In any case, because of the time differences when travelling, I will be in-between many things:

  • Places–> North and South America, home and destination
  • Times–> time..I’ll move through december on into january and out of 2012 on into 2013, plus time zones–I mean will I fly right through Midnight? Just goes to show how menial and contrived these things really are..
  • Space–> What else would you describe 30,000 feet as?

When I reframed my thinking and realized that this trip will be an extraordinary opportunity to experience simultaneous multidimensional liminal states, I can’t lie I got pretty excited. Zachary described it as magical, and I suppose that in large part I see it the same way. Talk about falling down the rabbit hole…but I wondered (aloud, and to him) what it means that I’ve found myself set up for this experience? Surely it is no coincidence  and of course many people do this sort of thing often, but I wonder if they consider it as phenomenal?  I wonder what it means for me, for the trajectory of my life and my being, for my work (academic and otherwise)?

Of course, there are the normal things to be excited about…its my first time out of the country (out of the CONTINENT/ HEMISPHERE), it’s going to be summer in Chile (not that winter in San Diego is anything to complain about.  I am going to get to take amazing photos which is something I do not do enough of these days. I am also going to get to be learning about change within educational policy.

Honestly though, I am most excited that I am going. What I mean by that is that the trip is booked. My flight is booked. I did not allow myself to see  any other option other than going and I set my intentions to making it happen. I faced any problems head on and kept insisting that I was going. I’ve been working really hard at not letting money be a barrier and it seems to be paying off. This new mindset is foreign and taxing, to be honest, but I am seeing how trust in a way much more knowledgeable than I really works.

Now, I need to brush up on my spanish :-/

 

 

What does it take to LISTEN?

I have said on numerous occasions that God speaks in the way that we listen. Not only that, but the universe will start at a whisper, then speak, the yell, then its a deafening echo ringing in our ears without yield. And even though I say these things, and I know these things, sometimes it still takes me getting life lessons in surround sound before I take action. I have been working at listening at 2, and for lots of things I’ve done well, but with others…

People have been suggesting I write a book or publish my posts as a book for as long as I have shared my blog and to some extent even before that. At first, I said that I didn’t have a books worth of anything to say about any “one” thing. Well…I have over 1,200 posts and if I used my tags like I should, I’d be willing to bet I’m wrong and already proved it. Then I said I didn’t have time.  Then I didn’t have help. Then I said okay! I’ll do it, but then…I didn’t. Twice.

I thought about this curious cycle as I lay in bed itching to write just as I wake, like most mornings, and I sent words of gratitude to a friend who had written to me suggesting I publish. I thought, what is it going to take for you to listen? I asked myself, “are you playing small?”

Naia text me yesterday and spoke of our lives and how they often run parallel even across great distances. She spoke, also, of how she had recently been warned about playing small and laughed when she read it had come up for me on Friday. I thought back to Brene and I wondered what it would feel like to step into my power.  I should say, step fully. Not that having one foot in is celebratory; it has you completely off balance and when you’re halfway in two spaces, you’re not really in either. 

The feeling that comes to mind is that high you get after you just ran on a crisp day. Clear mind, open lungs, a heart racing with excitement…and it occurred to me just this moment that I have never experienced that. Yet, that is what I imagine power to be…isn’t that interesting and telling? I want to be a runner, I want to be a published author…I want to experience the runners high but in order to do that–i have to run. If the high is power then I have to step into it. That was one of those moments where things make sense on a whole new level.

The Colonel always asks, “if not now, when?” And that just felt very deafening. This is me listening.

I Princeton California?

The first night of Adult Development we took an offering. A gift that symbolized some significant point in our own development. I took my Princeton hoodie, and I explained that while I didn’t go to Princeton, P2AD did and when I wear it I feel love. It reminds me of the point in my life when I made the decision to do everything from love, rather than fear. Ironically that is when I left him. Yesterday we had group projects and one group did a montage (holon) of our gifts. When I tell you everybody was moved…everybody was moved. And many of us were in tears. The thing for me is that I was slow to even get it until I saw the Princeton crest and I thought oh how serendipitous…oh waaaaiiiit. Then it clicked. It was so thoughtful and meant so much that they even remembered our gifts and our stories. One member later explained that she didn’t want to mess up the gifts and she changed mine from the hoodie to the crest but I still got it; oddly enough for me, Princeton emotes love. I was hesitant to share that with P2AD because its not about being in love with him or wanting him or anything like that. And I didn’t want him to think anything deeper into it that what I was offering. I did tell him. He didn’t react much. At least not openly. But I didn’t expect him to. As much as the hoodie is about him, it isn’t. Even when I wasn’t speaking to him I wore it. I probably always will. Love isn’t monopolized by one person, and it can’t be. Thank god. In class last week (I don’t event remember the day, because they all blur together) we had to think of a part of us that is underdeveloped, name the barriers in development, the loss that would come, and then an action plan to develop it. I listed my physical/somatic being as underdeveloped. No surprise here, I can’t seem to get going on this goal… the barriers were time, but not because of my schedule. I found myself telling too much truth lol. When I wake up early I have a bunch of people to talk to because I still live an east coast social life. Before I moved, waking up at 6 to go run is something Janika and I did for months! Now waking up at 6 means people I love are at 9 and can chat with me. Also when I get off work, I come home. And I mostly engaged with those same east coast people. The loss, then, would be that time with the people I love. That hurt so badly to write. The reason it would hurt so much is because at home I have a system of support and feel embedded in it. If we’re talking Kegan, I am in interpersonal and so much of me is defined by my relationships. But the reality is, I left. There is this Plotkin wheel which places late adolescence in the south and early adulthood in the west. The early adulthood phase is called wanderer in the cocoon and is categorized by this idea of leaving home and moving into the unknown. Even though I had read the words before, I wasn’t reading them from a place of me, Jessica. They felt so heavy in my arms this time. I literally moved from the south to the west, I left home, I am surrounded by so much unknown I don’t know which way is up sometimes. I am establishing myself in a career and in a new city. I need to behere. I cannot continue to live in San Diego but not live in San Diego. Much of that tension comes from my social/relational needs. Many of the people I am closest with are in committed relationships here. I am not, and so they don’t have as much free time as a single, and often engage with other couples or really, with each other. I am close with Fenway and Mass Elle, but coordinating our lives is a bit challenging. We’re all balancing a million different things for school. I really think that’s why I was so excited about Sorority X. To give me a homebase again. My plan to overcome my barrier was given to me by a classmate. She said to make working out social. It made me miss M3, terribly, and then think how hard its been to make any kind of quality friend and now I’m supposed to find one to work out with? I will put it out to the universe. I often say that my life is not about me, and I believe that to be true. However, I cannot let my calling to serve be an excuse to neglect myself. I can only give when I am healthy and able. I have to remember that. The best of me is needed. That means prioritizing my health and physical well being. My system is still t(here), but I need to start living in California.

Early mornings and olympic victories

Its 4am and I’ve just woken up for the 3rd night in a row on my couch and had to drag myself into bed. Falling asleep trying to watch the Olympics has been the cause of my bed’s nocturnal loneliness.

This week has been a crazy one. So crazy that all day yesterday I thought about writing and all I knew was the name of this post would be Rollercoaster. Oddly enough when it came time to scribe, it no longer felt appropriate. The events of my week were pretty up and down. I got a scholarship…I lost the condo I thought I was going to be living in…I was happily back home in my own space…I got locked out of my apartment for 3 hours after a full day at work due to a faulty lock…I got an amazing job offer…payday comes and I had no paycheck.

We’ll start from the end; as I sat in payroll while they asked me all sorts of questions and tried to troubleshoot where in the cracks my money was it took all I had in those moments to not cry, not grow frustrated, and to breathe. As I leaned up against the beige wall I remembered the strong desire to slide down and release all the emotion I was feeling. I did not. The fact that not even 24 hours prior I had been offered a teaching position within my university’s counseling department couldn’t escape my thoughts. I was am so incredibly elated that I could not allow even the lack of a paycheck completely dissolve that joy. I breathed through the pain, and it all got sorted out. At 8 o’clock last night I went out to eat and paid for myself, something I haven’t been able to do in months…

It is such a rare thing for me to brag on myself, or even feel proud of myself. Those things are usually nonexistent for me, although I was extremely proud of completing my Masters degree. I was, however, truly beaming when it was made official that I could teach this fall. I mean here I am, a student (that’s how I see myself) who is 20something with only 1/4 of a doctoral degree to her name and I am getting to teach Graduate students at a 4-year university. That, my friends, is huge. This is not a teaching assistantship. This is an adjunct professorship. It was overwhelmingly wonderful to feel I have something to contribute, and not only that but for the department chair and the students and the dean to agree.  I was told, usually we only allow those who hold PhDs teach in the department, but we made an exception because you’re exceptional. Such an amazing compliment.

I am proud of myself.

I am more proud that I feel pride, and not the ugly kind.

I am not so silly to think it is about anything “I” did. To God be the glory.

My advisor, who I really should come up with an alias for…she calls me sunshine. It makes me so happy when she does because I think of my grandmother who has been calling me that since birth. When I told my grandma about it she laughed and said don’t try to replace her. Never.

I bring them up to say, that usually I would need some sort of validation from someone like my advisor or my parents to tell me good job. Or even P2AD.  I would always feel a pressure to do well for an audience almost like an Olympian…and await my score from the judges before I celebrated my performance. I suppose, though, there has been a bit of a shift. Borrowed words from one of my favorite blog pieces Tyesia wrote about SATC:

Now, Aleksandr Petrovsky will blindside you if you don’t stay woke. He is a manifestation of the dream. He is prince charming. Aleksandr is what happens when you start to feel yourself again. He is way too good to be true but you have walked through fire and deserve ego stroking, so you eat it all up. Aleksandr is overkill. Way over the top. He makes you wish you hadn’t been praying for his perfection since you were a little girl. You begin to crave simplicity, but convince yourself that you are just too conditioned to misery to enjoy him. You settle. You need an Aleksandr Petrovski so that you know you CAN have it all. He is the only one who can give you enough to know that you don’t need it all. Your values are less complex. You are aware of yourself. Big’s immensity has faded. Aleksandr is bigger, richer, more powerful. You allow Big to be human. He is no longer a force that drives you to insanity. The only power he has is that which you gave him. You find the courage to forgive him, and forgive yourself. You choose his company instead of seeking his validation. You are strong enough to brave him in the place where he once conquered you. Your life belongs to you again.

Its kind of like that. When you’re being offered so much its too arousing to the senses and you hone in on the things you really want. That simplicity is everything. And in that simplicity you don’t make room for expectation, you take every day every moment as it comes. And the guys…the guy…who used to be your judge and jury becomes just another face in the crowd. An old familiar one, but not one that matters in the same way. You’re dancing for you now. Its not about them, or him, or anyone else. This dance is a covenant between you and the wind, the sun, or hell even the rain. No one can take away your joy unless you give it to them. I do believe I am done with that.

And I do believe that’s olympic gold medal worthy.

What is that holding for you, said the SOLES student

I absolutely 200% hate money. It is the one thing that always seems to cause issues and regardless of my inevitable sustainability I still hate it. Even when I have it. Last night I had to really meditate on some hard choices. I couldn’t afford to get my passport until a week ago, and as a result wont have it meanwhile my group is ready to book flights which require *ding* passports. I also am, realistically only liquid enough to afford one class this summer while being registered for two. I’ve exhausted myself trying to make it work and I had to really wonder if it was time to let it go?

I felt my Self say to let it go. But my ego felt betrayed, angry, cheated, and did I mention angry? Why is it always money? Why for many years now have I been unable to travel always for the same reason? So I asked, “what is money holding for you?” A question perhaps only a USD SOLES student would ask as Mo and I laughed about just yesterday. I immediately answered, “limits.” I get extremely agitated when I am placed in a box or feel bound and constricted in anyway. I then thought about my thought (something I can thank Terri Monroe for) and saw that I believed money to be a limit. And my ego self was ready to defend that claim, it was the only reason I didn’t study abroad at Tennessee, it cancelled spring breaks, road trips, my inauguration trip, classes, it at one point cost me my father. I have every right to hate money (you can probably guess that each of these was about way more than money). Of course my Self reminds me that as long as I believe it to be a limit (the greatest of limits) then it will continue to be so. Thank you Nicole for your words being so fresh in my mind.

So how do I reconcile what is letting go and what is giving up? I am not sure if I could explain it right now very well but maybe just that letting go is something you do with your head and your heart uplifted. And so, I am letting go of my travel for now. I am carrying conviction in my decision because there is something great to take from it. It is about being honest and present. In my present I cannot afford, read: do not have the resources, to go abroad. And while I like to believe that will not always be the case I have to start with right now. I, too often, think in if-then-whens and that absence from the present moment causes me to misappropriate and squander money frivolously. So, for now I will let it go and begin to work on my beliefs about true infiniteness and remembering that I am always okay I am always taken care of.

Earlier this week I said “we always have the things we want,” and how could I possibly believe that when I wanted so badly to go abroad? Well…two months ago I wanted new jeans. I wanted to get my car fixed for my mom. I wanted to go out to eat (allllllll those times that I did) and really, until I want something more than immediate gratification I believe I will find myself here in this place of betrayal, anger and frustration. I suppose it is true that in order to be something different you must first believe in its possibility. Well…