On my wedding day

I have always had this idea about getting married at the ocean, and more recently in the ocean. Standing there at sunset with my beloved under God at the meeting of air and water, earth and fire it felt so perfect in my head. I got a taste of it this summer in Bali as we took a sunrise snorkeling trip and there we were at the meeting of the elements. I’ve never felt so free. If I could bottle that moment up…

So I found myself looking at wedding dresses. I wasn’t sure what style best suited the occasion. I knew I wanted to feel light. Free. Divine. I started pinning the dresses I liked and repeatedly came across the adjective “ethereal”. I’d seen it before and assumed it meant something close to Bohemian. I wasn’t one to put a flower in my hair but I’ll be damned if I didn’t appreciate the choice should the mood ever strike.

I never wanted anyone there, just him and I. I’d bend a little but not much on that. Twenty-five max. But none of the location wedding details were negotiable. I needed the sea, the sunset and this ethereal dress floating behind me in the water as we made our vows before God.

Some people fantasize about the details. The dress. The shoes. The colors, the cake, the food…I fantasize about the feeling. It is what every piece of my stubbornness is working to protect. The authenticity of the moment. The beauty of the moment. The divinity of the moment. I don’t want anything to get on the way of the spiritual meaning of this day.

On that day, I don’t want to have to pretend. On that day, I want to only be with those that love and support me and our union. On that day I want to be my most present. I want to take in every morsel of my wedded bliss or my ache from pinchy heels; however I feel I want to BE that on that day. I want to be fully myself. I do not want overdone make up. To go on a crazy diet that makes me hate myself or food. To have hair down my back or in a fro, neither of which are me–at least not right now. I want to feel like I am fully at home in my existence prior to asking this man, my him, to bring me into existence forever and always a long as we both shall live. That is not the vision for everybody, but it is mine.

I don’t want to get caught up in the production so that I miss the plot. It is why I am so ardent about the intentionality around guests. On that day it goes beyond taking responsibility for the energy you bring into the space. It becomes taking responsibility for the energy you send into my Union. Our union. On that day I do not wish to operate out of obligation to anyone but the souls of him and I.

And I suppose any him for me will understand that. My sensitivities. My beliefs. My spiritual practice. He would have to, wouldn’t he? If I were ready to share my life with him, he would. It might not have been exactly what he pictured, and maybe he will have some revisions, but he will protect the feeling. Because he will want that too.

So this idea, this feeling was all wrapped up in the word that described the dress: ethereal. Delicate. Light. Not of this world. It is how I felt about myself. It is how I feel about him. It would be what he and I felt about us. It is exactly what I want on that day.

Glimpses

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I love photography. I admittedly am one of those people that change my facebook profile picture every few days because I get tired of the shot a few days later. Usually, its about the outfit, or the hair or the make-up or some…accessory that has temporarily made me feel (fill in the blank). I took one of those pictures the other night before a friend’s birthday party. My hair was curled, my lips were pink and pouty, my eyes were understated drama…I felt pretty. And yet a photo I took days before still haunts me in a wonderful way.
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While I felt pretty in the “dolled up” picture, I feel beautiful in the other. Its plain, pretty ordinary and otherwise unremarkable. My hair was straight, my make-up…well what make-up? Its just me. And I guess I see myself everyday, but I certainly do not look at myself and see the beauty I see in that picture.

I was having a conversation with myself; thinking about where I am and where I’m headed. I thought about my strengths, my absolute strength being in people. In connecting and relating and listening to people. I wondered, challenging myself a bit, how I could get better at this. I’ve long believed that the bashert things are easy, we make things hard when we fight against the way. Yes, again…surrender.

So I thought about the things that have come easy to me…the good things like making friends and the bad things like quitting on my health. And I’ve talked myself through “the fights”, asking myself why I stayed in the ring. In past relationships it boiled down to wanting to prove I was worth sticking around for. In past failures its been my own stubbornness is not wanting to accept that not everything was meant for me.

But when I look at that picture, I get a glimpse of the woman who is sure of herself. The woman who is not defined by her relationship status nor her partner. The woman who loves fully because she chooses to, not to validate herself. The woman who is capable of anything she puts her mind heart to. I smile because I see her. And until I can see her everyday, I am going to keep searching for glimpses through the photograph. Glimpses that remind me of who I am and who I was created to be.