On my wedding day

I have always had this idea about getting married at the ocean, and more recently in the ocean. Standing there at sunset with my beloved under God at the meeting of air and water, earth and fire it felt so perfect in my head. I got a taste of it this summer in Bali as we took a sunrise snorkeling trip and there we were at the meeting of the elements. I’ve never felt so free. If I could bottle that moment up…

So I found myself looking at wedding dresses. I wasn’t sure what style best suited the occasion. I knew I wanted to feel light. Free. Divine. I started pinning the dresses I liked and repeatedly came across the adjective “ethereal”. I’d seen it before and assumed it meant something close to Bohemian. I wasn’t one to put a flower in my hair but I’ll be damned if I didn’t appreciate the choice should the mood ever strike.

I never wanted anyone there, just him and I. I’d bend a little but not much on that. Twenty-five max. But none of the location wedding details were negotiable. I needed the sea, the sunset and this ethereal dress floating behind me in the water as we made our vows before God.

Some people fantasize about the details. The dress. The shoes. The colors, the cake, the food…I fantasize about the feeling. It is what every piece of my stubbornness is working to protect. The authenticity of the moment. The beauty of the moment. The divinity of the moment. I don’t want anything to get on the way of the spiritual meaning of this day.

On that day, I don’t want to have to pretend. On that day, I want to only be with those that love and support me and our union. On that day I want to be my most present. I want to take in every morsel of my wedded bliss or my ache from pinchy heels; however I feel I want to BE that on that day. I want to be fully myself. I do not want overdone make up. To go on a crazy diet that makes me hate myself or food. To have hair down my back or in a fro, neither of which are me–at least not right now. I want to feel like I am fully at home in my existence prior to asking this man, my him, to bring me into existence forever and always a long as we both shall live. That is not the vision for everybody, but it is mine.

I don’t want to get caught up in the production so that I miss the plot. It is why I am so ardent about the intentionality around guests. On that day it goes beyond taking responsibility for the energy you bring into the space. It becomes taking responsibility for the energy you send into my Union. Our union. On that day I do not wish to operate out of obligation to anyone but the souls of him and I.

And I suppose any him for me will understand that. My sensitivities. My beliefs. My spiritual practice. He would have to, wouldn’t he? If I were ready to share my life with him, he would. It might not have been exactly what he pictured, and maybe he will have some revisions, but he will protect the feeling. Because he will want that too.

So this idea, this feeling was all wrapped up in the word that described the dress: ethereal. Delicate. Light. Not of this world. It is how I felt about myself. It is how I feel about him. It would be what he and I felt about us. It is exactly what I want on that day.

Loveeeeee

I was driving home the other night when a song that reminded me of E came on. As I sang along two conversations occurred in my head. One in which I thought of him and us and our laughter, and another where I laid to rest those sounds and continued on up the 805.

I had a dream the night before of my wedding, my beautifully romantic Christmas wedding. My maids in white again the smell of trees and sweet berries. I remembered more this time. I remembered Kim, Ken, Jennie, Jewels, Tre, and Trin with me. Praying with me and standing with me. Laughing and toasting to love and laughter. I never walked down the aisle, but they were with me.

If I think about what it was like to love before I remember, more than anything the effort. The trials and the battles, the compromise. It wasn’t right. And more than I knew anything about my partners, I knew how I was going about the business of love was wrong. I imagine it needs to be as all meant things are, effortless. Divinely crafted and seemingly coincidental, only…not. I took this photo of myself before I went out last night.

image

I looked at my body. My belly cleverly hidden in my billowy, and feminine XL top. My thighs squeezed into shape in my size 20 jeans. I studied my curves and my twa hidden under a flowy lace front. I applied a thin layer of MAC “Media” and I love myself despite it all; and perhaps because of it all. I’ve never looked in the mirror and felt even remotely effortlessly in love with my reflection. The truth was not hidden from me, I knew what was there. And I was not hiding, obviously as I’m baring it all now. I was proud to take me out. Now if I’m lucky enough to find another who makes me feel the way I felt about my reflection last night…

And when I think back, I can reconcile a question I’ve pondered; yes I loved him. I loved him with every broken piece of me, however now that I am whole I want a whole love. There is nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself or to the world. I am not counting down the days or waiting with baited breath, I am living my life, fully. And when the time is right, it will be. Settling for self isn’t exactly settling. I feel incredibly blessed to be in a place where I can recognize and truly believe that.

By any means necessary

Last year, there were quite a few weddings that I didn’t understand. This year there (of course) will be more, and so on and so forth.  In regards to this phenomenon a friend of mine, who is divorced, said, “Women tell themselves all kinds of lies to get.down.that.aisle.” I couldn’t agree more.

My mom, just a few days ago, told me that she wanted me to know if I never got married that she wouldn’t be any less proud of me.  That is not to say that she’s against me getting married, but that having a husband does not culminate my success as a person.  She also said, women get too caught up in the wedding. To this I look to Liz (as I often do)…in Committed she wrote:

“The desire to feel chosen. A wedding; a public event that will unequivocally prove to everyone, especially to myself, that I am precious enough to have been selected by somebody forever…What better confirmation of her preciousness could she summon than a ceremony in a beautiful church where she could be regarded by all in attendance as a princess, a virgin, an angel, a treasure beyond rubies? Who could fault her for wanting to know-just once-what that feels like? (169)”

To that I think…well yes, but shouldn’t you feel that everyday? Isn’t that the reason you should get married ? He brings all those feelings to surface? A wedding is not a marriage and the two are more often than not mutually exclusive.  A wedding would be nice, but I want a marriage. Not, however, at the cost of myself, or my future husband.  Even the great Carrie Bradshaw fell prey…

I.AM.HUMILIATED

She admittedly let the wedding get bigger than Big. All in all my ladies, I gotta say, we can’t get too caught up in flowers and white dresses.  Is the foundation of the relationship sound? Is the need for this wedding just to prove something? Why are you getting married? Just food for thought.

D.O.T.

Stealing from Hov…this is the Death of  Thirst…in lieu of the weekends events and the Steve McNair tragedy, radio shows, blogs and twitterers have been asking, is cheating ever really worth it?  Oddly enough I was reading my Bible looking for a verse in Proverbs 31 and I looked left and saw: Proverbs 30:20 and it reads: Such is the way of the adulterous woman; she eateth and wipeth her mouth, and saith I have done no wickedness. 

Perhaps its wrong of me to throw it back on women but I do, sorry. Men can’t cheat alone. And I suppose I’m leaving out the DL issues but thats a whole other can of worms. Anyway I blame thirst.  Why are some women so thirsty that they accept second rate “love” from a man? They will do their part in destroying a home, and a family and think somehow they have achieved something over the “stupid wife” are you kidding me?!  What virtue is in being the sideline hoe?  How do you fix your mouth to say that you are sleeping with a married man and still smile?!  Like…honestly? As a woman I would love to think that another woman would respect me enough to leave my husband alone, but she not gone respect me-cuz she doesn’t respect her self!  

Why do men cheat? Because they can!  TOO many women are ready, willing, and able to aid and facillitate in the break down of the American family and contribute to the woes of our fellow females.  Some think they have the upper hand because the “stupid wife” doesn’t know whats going on or the man is giving her money/time/attention etc…But lets be real…you (Miss Hoe-no I don’t feel bad calling you a hoe) are out there thirsty as hell “In search of..” some man to complete you and make you feel worth a damn and in the end is it worth it?  Do you feel like a million bucks when his cell goes off and its his wife and you get the deuces? 

I’m sorry yall but sorry ass women are my pet peeve. I wanna rid the world of thirsty women.  If women demanded that men did better and actually HAD STANDARDS then perhaps we wouldn’t have this overwhelming majority of sorry ass men who think that Kay Jewelry trinkets and a Plies mixtape is a symbol of love.  We really, no no no YALL because I’m not a cheater lol, have got to do better….to be continued…..

Family Vs. Love…

So today in class we watched a case study and had a discussion about family and love. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone that your family doesn’t approve of? If you had to make a choice would you? It seems absolutely ludicrous that people would have to choose between the two but people do it everyday…

The case study we watched the woman, G, was very family oriented but felt like her relationship forced her to make a choice-and she chose her husband.  As it turns out, things didn’t end up working and she wondered how it was that she became so isolated in the relationship.  (Hello? Heidi and Spencer)

Speidi

Speidi

So G was in therapy trying to figure out how to rebound with her family, and regain her sense of self post-relationship demise.  Tough Stuff. My Prof is talkin to us about it and how statistics work against relationships where the family doesn’t approve of the spouse.  However…the family will often mask their distaste for your partner until after the fact.  That was pretty startling to me!  I learned something similar in Ugrad in Dr.K’s class (Human Sexuality). And pair that with my friend Pinky’s honest but brilliant statement “Women will do anything to walk down that aisle,” it makes you really really really want to sit down with your whole family and have a talk. The case study, G, said that she wanted to prove her family wrong, and show him that she loved him and that their love was theirs and that was all that mattered. But its not. Marriage is the union of two families as well as two people, no? Yes.

A while back I was reading a MSN article about things that can kill relationships and things we over look. It mentioned the small things (you like shopping he likes camping…table manners etc.) and bigger things (your best friend hates him/her). Its because they can sometimes see things we can’t see. I was having this discussion with my own BFF(K) and told her that apart from loving your friend, you have to fall in love with a couple (as a BFF) to really give your blessing. This is someone sometimes closer to you than family, and the thought that they don’t approve, legitimately, of your sig.O is bothersome.  There are so many factors to this whole relationship thing… I hope I get it right and all this study doesn’t hinder me.

L (word) M (word)…N-O-P(E)

Pretty clever title eh? Ok whatever don’t clown me…anyway so today I was talking with Chef and S about relationships, when S asked the question, “is it too forward to tell a man upfront that you’re looking to be married in the near future?” On the man side, Chef asked, “…but how are you sure that you want to be married to them that soon,” I respond for S-because I think we’re on the same wavelength-by saying, “no maybe not to them Chef but its important they know that you’re not dating 4 sport, u want a future so if they are not heading in that direction they can go ahead and be out, save everybody time and headache.” That seems fair right?

So then my mind starts working overtime and I’m wondering what other people think. I mean at my age (25) and in my community people are getting married right and left.  I’m not necessarily ready for marriage but I will say that I’m not one to date for no reason.  Why waste my time dating you when I know you aren’t the one? Couldn’t possibly be the one…and are barely even my type? I’m sorry perhaps its the age of “independent woman” songs and Sex and the City, but I’m not pressed to date a man or keep him around just for companionship. I’m perfectly happy solo, or with girlfriends. Of course there’s the issue of sex but I mean that’s debateable. For me, its better if you care about the person, so there’s no point in being indiscriminant. Which might mean I’m picky, I’d just like to think that I know what I want out of life.

The d-word (dating) should lead to the elle word (love) which should lead to the m-word (marriage)…lemme drop some quick psychology on yall lol. Take Sternberg’s Triangle…

Sternbergs Triangle

Sternberg's Triangle

There are 3 factors. Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment…you can see above what the combinations equal, but if early on you ALREADY KNOW or can sense that you’re not going to have all 3 of these with the person you’re dating, is it wrong to end it? I feel that in your heart of hearts…you know. Intuition never lets us down. And its only fair. If I know that I’m looking for a life partner, husband type, then why on EARTH would I settle for a boyfriend?