Just like earth


I’d been asking the question all week and weekend, “what am I missing?” “what am I not seeing?” “what is it that you are trying to teach me, God?” Over and over again I posed the questions or some variation of them only to fall on deaf ears and to wake up day after day with the same knots in my stomach and pain in my lower back. Why am I always being forced into this corner of financial strife and having to rely on absolute faith in its purest form just to get from one moment to the next, clearly I am missing something, but I was ready to learn the lesson and move on. WHAT IS IT THAT I AM MISSING I felt like I was demanding the answer now. So naturally, I pulled cards.

In the midst of my current financial mess I thought I’d get some spiritual insight and suffled until it felt like I was done. I asked two questions, the first was, “What do I need to learn?” and the card I pulled was “keeping still”. The second question I asked was “what am I missing?” And the card I pulled was the “taming power of the great.” I go to read about the 2nd card and got to the 1st line b4 I got a total chill and tears came. It says, “the taming influence here is the ability to remain aware while being “tested” by circumstance. How able are you to hold firm to your ideals and maintain your integrity in the face of challenges that threaten to break down your resolve?” I curled over and began to hug myself. I’ve been sharing with my best friends how awful I’ve been feeling. Not even the situation itself, but the cyclical nature of these issues. I am missing something! So when I read this I was shaken.

Last night I told my Person that I worry so much about trying to be responsible and this makes me look frivolous and messy. The card says, literally: once you begin to sweat the small stuff its likely that you will cling like crazy to something and have started to think that thing is part of the definition of who you are.” That was exactly it. I was so caught up in needing to be responsible. Grown up. That even when things happened beyond my control I experienced it as a blow to Self. However, the truth is I am not my checking account balance. I am not my credit score. I am not my weight, my height, my gpa, or any other number.


Mass Elle wrote to me and said, “it’s almost silly if you think about it – *obviously* you are more than your bank account!” Isn’t it the truth? Then I read my i’ching

It said I would literally have to uproot this belief because the corruption was so engrained. Uproot…to unearth, to literally dig out from the very foundation. What an opportunity. To burrow deep within my own soil to uproot this belief that numbers define me.

And then to do as my first card suggested and keep still. Stand tall and erect like the mountains whose peaks reside in the heavens gazing out on all that surrounds us but doing so in stillness.

Butterflies of Golden Rivers

It happened while meditating. Nothing at first. Passing thoughts of my day flowing through my mind like the soft ease of the wind through sunbeams; work, friends, money, my mother…she came then. As I thought of my mother this goddess appeared, she was beautiful risen from a river of what was surely pure gold. She was a butterfly. Or maybe an angel, something with wings, as they were whites the cleanest white nearly too pure for visible appreciation. As when I felt my mind begin to wonder about who she was or what she was it all got black, folded into itself closed like the lotus at dusk.

I stopped. No more questions. So. Hmm. I focused back on my breathing and what felt like years later flecks of her river began to flow back through my conscious. She smiled and wrapped up into herself, daring not to reveal her full magnificence, and she moved that way. I had a sense that if she opened I would be in fixed awe of her. Was she my mother? I studied her, I knew her. She was a savior…not of humanity. Not even of one in particular, but that’s what she would her wings for. I never asked but I knew. Her twisted course mane and wide smile cloaked in white with sunshine at her belly. Golden like the river of her birth. Golden goddess.

How do I know her? I watched her float, and laugh, and move within her river of wealth and abundance. She never knew a day without riches and yet had no use for it, she craved the air and laughed just to feel it across her lips. Wait.

Isn’t fly my favorite word? Isn’t white my color, with a golden core…at my belly? Is she me? I had barely asked the question to no one, and simultaneously the universe at large when I felt hot streams of salt escape my eyes. I opened them, shocked at their wetness, surprised at the audacity of my spirit. She was beautiful, I thought, as if she and I were any different. I hugged myself secretly wishing for the warmth of silken wings laced in pure. And I whispered to her, we have to fly.


I will begin by sharing a txt conversation between Nama and I:

JessJ: Random..but did you see Shirley McClaine on Oprah this week?
Nama: No?
JessJ: She’s talking about her belief system and karmic laws, reincarnation, the changes our world is going through, the disconnect of america (she describes US as a left brain technological materialistic society) and the rest of the world and the universe trying to communicate to us
Nama: Omg perfect that’s sooooo amazing
JessJ: Right?! I’m supposed to be studying and so of course I’m watching Oprah on my dvr
Nama: Lol that’s great
JessJ: Omg…so she walks into a house (looking to buy) and she said she felt the spirit of a dancer, and she’s a dance, she felt that house was meant for her and bought it immediately. So Oprah says “so you’re psychic too?” And she said well everybody is if they just turn the trust level up. (My reaction: !!!!) Ok..ok I’ll leave u alone now lol
Nama: Lol it’s all in the right hemisphere. U just have to get the left one/ liner side to be quiet. Just trust u are seeing all this for a reason
JessJ: I have to be. Wow…
Nama: Do you believe now?
JessJ: Oh definitely. She said “those who have encountered ‘aliens’ have said the soul does not die learning experience is lifetime after lifetime…so what they’re saying is give up war, you’re not killing anyone anyway what you’re doing is incurring more karma”. Which completely stirred everything in me
Nama: YES!!
JessJ: I have to save this episode…I think everything in it was speaking to me. My body heard it.

Shirley McClaine ended the interview by saying the following words to Oprah: “I don’t plan it I don’t outline it I let it all happen, that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned, Oprah, in my life is to surrender. I don’t fight and struggle anymore. I have learned to surrender to the very sophisticated divinity. “

When I tell you I cried…I don’t mean tears. I mean my soul was stirred into weeping, not out of sadness, out of finding someone who shares our truth.  I am not completely sure I knew how I felt about most these things. But when I listened to this interview, the entire time my body was humming, vibrating.  I feel like I did after the drum circle but without any work or concentration.  I felt so connected to her words…she was one of mine. She is someone I’ve known before and recognize now.  I’m vibrating as I type but I have to write this right now.

Sometimes you know what’s right. Sometimes those things go beyond understanding of our conscious.  Right now I don’t know what what it is I’ve just experienced but I know it is special.  I know I am going to write books, three or four.  I know I’m going to have the same number of children. I know I will be married and I will travel for a long time.  I know I will change the life of many.

Several times within the last few weeks I’ve heard mention “the God within” or “the divinity within”.  I know mine. We are well acquainted, but she speaks at a whisper barely above the breeze.  She sits beside water and the water is always louder than her voice.  She is surrounded by earth, more often a river’s edge in a forest than anything else. She is always certain and ironically she is always right. I love her fiercely and I miss her.  I think she called to me today.

Repeat Om Namah Shivay (Aum Num-ha Shi-why), with the feeling that you are bowing to Shiva - your true inner self. Repeat this mantra with respect. The inner self is the form of God in you. So as you say  Om Namah Shivay i.e. "I bow to Shiva; you are actually bowing to God - The great almighty. The repetition of the name of God is equivalent to be merged in his very being. When you repeat Gods name in your mouth, in one way, you experience the God itself. Just repeat this mantra with faith and its powerful phonetic vibrations will start doing miracle for you.